Green Tip #104: No More Automated Sinks

Wow, I really do like doing Green Tips about bathrooms, don't I? Well, this is one of the rare ones that doesn't have anything to do with water conservation. Yup, this one is about saving natural gas or electricity.

This is the point where you say "HUH?" I mean, who even uses natural gas in the bathroom? Unless you're super rich and have a fireplace in the bathroom. Man, that would be awesome... Because if you've got a fireplace in your toilet, it would follow that you would have some fancy leather high-backed chairs in there too so you can sit in front of your fireplace. And what's the point of fancy leather high-backed chairs if you don't have a bar fully stocked with expensive scotch and brandy and a humidor with nothing but the finest imported Cuban cigars. And why sit around in such opulence unless you had priceless leather-bound books to look at and not ever read because you never want to ruin the ancient bindings?

So, if all this is in your bathroom, you'd want to make sure your hands are clean after you do your business. So you should always wash your hands (even if you don't have a study in your bathroom) but should you use hot or cold water? I say choose cold because then you can avoid using the natural gas or electricity that's used to heat the hot water. I know, I know, some people say that cold water doesn't kill germs, but some people also say that the world is going to end in 2012 and we all know that's not true (Global Warming will roast the entire planet next summer).

But what do you do if there's those automatic hands-free sinks? You can only get mildly warm water out of those and you don't get to choose the temperature. So Green Tip #104 is this: Don't Use Automatic Sinks. If you need to, carry around a bag of room temperature water in your pocket. The pocket of your cashmere robe, of course...

Green Tip #103: Cool It Down

Oftentimes in The Impractical Green Resource, I don't just present the obvious facts and let you walk away with Green Tips that don't do you any good because they're really obvious. So keep that in mind when I give you Green Tip #103. It's going to start off really obvious, but if you stick it out, you'll see where I'm going with it and understand the value in my pearls of wisdom (harvested from only free range, organic oysters that have no rBGH injected in them).

So Green Tip #103 is to Stop Drinking Warm Drinks. "Well, duh!" people with little short term memory might think that have forgotten the last paragraph. "You'll save energy by not using the microwave or the stove or the cigarette lighter from your car as you cower, trapped inside by an angry swarm of bees that are after your tea with honey in it."

Well, Mr. Short Term Memory Loss But Compensating For It With Your Overactive Imagination, sit tight for a minute and keep reading. Like an onion (organically grown with no synthetic fertilizers on a farm that practices sustainable farming) or a parfait or an ogre, this Green Tip has layers. Yes, you will save energy. But you will also reduce carbon emissions.

I mentioned this a long time ago when I referenced how you shouldn't exercise, but I want you to stop breathing. Every breath you take sucks more oxygen out of the atmosphere and spits out more carbon dioxide. So every time you blow on your hot soup to cool it down, you're contributing to Global Warming. Shame on you...

So go drink that room temperature tea! (Iced Tea is bad because your fridge uses electricity to make ice) Because when your mutated, sterile grandkids ask you why your generation didn't do more to stop Global Warming from causing WWIII and wiping out 95% of the population in nuclear Armageddon, you can always say that you did your part by not drinking warm coffee.