Green Tip #65: Mario is a Traitor

Hooray! The reason I'm celebrating is that today marks the first part of a four part series (over the course of two weeks) that I'll be doing about video games! Yes, video games and all the horrible messages they send to our children. I'm sure you've all heard about the news stories. Things like how you can kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto. They've been reporting on the wrong games, in my opinion. For I know of games that have even worse messages than Grand Theft Auto. One such video game series is the focus of Green Tip #65.

Super Mario Bros.

Ah yes, that seemingly friendly and innocuous plumber that has been showing up in our kids' living rooms for almost 30 years. And while he has been praised for being a good clean alternative to the hyper-realistic and over-violent shooting games that have been popular in recent years, this mustached man hides a sinister message.

If one is knowledgeable of history, one might remember where Mario got his start. Back in 1981, a young man known only as 'Jumpman' stood up to the over-industrialization of the world and the big oil companies in an arcade game known as Donkey Kong. For those of you that haven't played the game, it is a tale as old as time. Donkey Kong, a large ape, kidnaps Jumpman's girlfriend and Jumpman has to scale up a scaffolding dodging barrels and fireballs to save the fair maiden.

I'm sure anyone that's played the game has immediately noticed that this game is a metaphor for the oil crisis of 1979. Donkey Kong, who throws barrels of oil, is a metaphor for oil producing countries like Iran and the USSR who kidnapped Jumpman's girlfriend, who represents the clean air and water we had before the US became addicted to oil. Jumpman would therefore represent Green technologies like solar power, wind power, and the fuel efficient cars from Japan that were just catching on in the US. (Toyota's from Japan and so is Nintendo. It's so obvious!)

Ah yes, the environment finally had a champion to rally behind. But who was this mysterious Jumpman that stood up to rising oil prices? Everyone wanted more from this red, blue, and Green hero. But the world was about to realize a sad, sad truth. Sometimes fame goes to peoples' heads...

Mario made his return in 1985 with the smash hit Super Mario Bros. for the original Nintendo Entertainment System. But this latest adventure was nothing at all what everyone expected. Gone was the noble hero that had risen from blue-collar worker status to take down the forces of environmental ruin. No, dear readers, in his place was a crazed man who let fame and corporate sponsorship corrupt his very moral fibers. Instead of killing the ape of Global Warming with the Hammer of Energy Efficiency (a forerunner of the Energy Efficient Sword of Light), Mario rampaged through the land, destroying local fungus and reptile species to the point that they almost went extinct. Mario, having no regard for sustainable practices, tore apart flowers and spewed fireballs, not caring that his fire was contributing to Global Warming. Even his brother Luigi was a farce. With his green clothes an obvious mockery of the Green movement, he ravaged the land, draining away the natural gold deposits and killing countless schools of fish and squids.

I'm sorry to say that Mario is one hero that has gone to the dark side. Once a shining beacon of hope in the War Against Global Warming, this hero continues to strip the earth of its precious resources. From poisoning the water with his blatant over-medicating in Dr. Mario, to the enslaving and domesticating of endangered dinosaur species in Super Mario World, Mario leaves a path of environmental destruction where ever he goes. The fossil fuels he once rejected now power his and his friends' go Karts. He rejects the idea of conserving Paper, even going to far as to create entire worlds made out of it. And while the world continues to collapse around him, all he can do is to get a massive sugar high and have Parties and Brawl in his reckless underground fight clubs.

Children. Do not fall for the devious tricks of this liar. This Charlatan of Environmental Justice. Remember once what this great man stood for and never give up the fight again Global Warming. Even if our greatest heroes have...

Green Tip #30: Stop Eating Our Fuel!

So, corn-based ethanol is something that has been debated quite heatedly for the past few years. Let me just give you a run down on a brief history of corn-based ethanol. Keep in mind that this is only from what I know, so it is probably on par with Wikipedia in terms of accuracy.

So, about 8 or so years ago, some people did some horrible things in New York City which made a bunch of countries invade Afghanistan. Through some nebulous logic and overblown fears made worse by someone waving around a vial of anthrax, a few of those countries then proceeded to invade Iraq (again). Anyway, this whole fear thing and invading thing made people nervous about using Middle East oil.

That's not a big deal when you think about it. We (the people who live in the so called "West") have always been afraid of the Middle East, from the whole Rome and Cleopatra thing through the WWII invasion of the area and on through the whole Iran hostage thing and beyond. So our relationship with the area has been spotty at best.

No, what really made the situation a problem was what China and India were doing at the time. (Don't worry, this is getting back to corn, I promise!) China and India (who I've mentioned before in a not so favorable light) had to go and grow their economies. I mean, who do they think they are, advancing economically and technologically? So they start sucking down all that Middle East oil that the US has work for a few hundred years to secure. That means that the whole world was going to run out of oil, so we all started looking at new sources of fuel.

That leads me to corn-based ethanol. Yay! All the environmentalists started cheering! It comes from the earth, so it can't be bad!! (Don't tell them oil comes from the earth) Well, everyone started pumping a lot of money and resources into making corn refineries and pretty soon corn prices were going up all over the world. This made livestock people mad and environmentalists mad because it uses more energy to make ethanol than you get out of it and basically the whole thing fell apart like a house of cards.

And it didn't make sense to use corn for fuel when so many people around the world were starving. But what if you looked at it a different way? What if the issue wasn't "Why are we turning food into fuel?" but instead "Why are we eating our fuel?" I mean, what if we came up with a fantastic oil-based pie that is sooooooo delicious? Nobody would let you eat that pie without giving you a guilt trip about destroying the environment. So Green Tip #30 is start guilting all of your friends and family whenever they eat corn based food. "Stop eating our fuel!!!"