Green Tip #104: No More Automated Sinks

Wow, I really do like doing Green Tips about bathrooms, don't I? Well, this is one of the rare ones that doesn't have anything to do with water conservation. Yup, this one is about saving natural gas or electricity.

This is the point where you say "HUH?" I mean, who even uses natural gas in the bathroom? Unless you're super rich and have a fireplace in the bathroom. Man, that would be awesome... Because if you've got a fireplace in your toilet, it would follow that you would have some fancy leather high-backed chairs in there too so you can sit in front of your fireplace. And what's the point of fancy leather high-backed chairs if you don't have a bar fully stocked with expensive scotch and brandy and a humidor with nothing but the finest imported Cuban cigars. And why sit around in such opulence unless you had priceless leather-bound books to look at and not ever read because you never want to ruin the ancient bindings?

So, if all this is in your bathroom, you'd want to make sure your hands are clean after you do your business. So you should always wash your hands (even if you don't have a study in your bathroom) but should you use hot or cold water? I say choose cold because then you can avoid using the natural gas or electricity that's used to heat the hot water. I know, I know, some people say that cold water doesn't kill germs, but some people also say that the world is going to end in 2012 and we all know that's not true (Global Warming will roast the entire planet next summer).

But what do you do if there's those automatic hands-free sinks? You can only get mildly warm water out of those and you don't get to choose the temperature. So Green Tip #104 is this: Don't Use Automatic Sinks. If you need to, carry around a bag of room temperature water in your pocket. The pocket of your cashmere robe, of course...

Green Tip #103: Cool It Down

Oftentimes in The Impractical Green Resource, I don't just present the obvious facts and let you walk away with Green Tips that don't do you any good because they're really obvious. So keep that in mind when I give you Green Tip #103. It's going to start off really obvious, but if you stick it out, you'll see where I'm going with it and understand the value in my pearls of wisdom (harvested from only free range, organic oysters that have no rBGH injected in them).

So Green Tip #103 is to Stop Drinking Warm Drinks. "Well, duh!" people with little short term memory might think that have forgotten the last paragraph. "You'll save energy by not using the microwave or the stove or the cigarette lighter from your car as you cower, trapped inside by an angry swarm of bees that are after your tea with honey in it."

Well, Mr. Short Term Memory Loss But Compensating For It With Your Overactive Imagination, sit tight for a minute and keep reading. Like an onion (organically grown with no synthetic fertilizers on a farm that practices sustainable farming) or a parfait or an ogre, this Green Tip has layers. Yes, you will save energy. But you will also reduce carbon emissions.

I mentioned this a long time ago when I referenced how you shouldn't exercise, but I want you to stop breathing. Every breath you take sucks more oxygen out of the atmosphere and spits out more carbon dioxide. So every time you blow on your hot soup to cool it down, you're contributing to Global Warming. Shame on you...

So go drink that room temperature tea! (Iced Tea is bad because your fridge uses electricity to make ice) Because when your mutated, sterile grandkids ask you why your generation didn't do more to stop Global Warming from causing WWIII and wiping out 95% of the population in nuclear Armageddon, you can always say that you did your part by not drinking warm coffee.

Green Tip #102: Trough

I have to admit, I'm a little bit ashamed that I never mentioned this before. I mean, come on... what's the one subject I talk about more than anything else? The bathroom, of course. I've had countless (by countless I mean I don't feel like counting, not I'm unable to count) Green Tips focused on how to reduce the amount of water you use in the washroom. But how has the topic of troughs never come up in any of my posts??? It's the ultimate water saving technique!

For those of you not aware of the monstrosities that are known as troughs (I've known women that thought we were joking when my friends and I were discussing them), they are these big metal or ceramic buckets that run the length of men's bathrooms, usually in sports arenas. There's a drain at one end, so everything flows to one side without using water.

Basically, these are around because they're easier to manage and handle lots of guys. It also means that there's no privacy and they're super awkward to use. But... Ugh... I have to endorse using them because they save water... *sigh* Sometimes you've got to make sacrifices to save the planet.

I also propose that someone make a female trough. Not just to save water, but also to bring the genders closer together. Because I think that women everywhere will have much more empathy for their male companions when they know what men have been going through for all these years.

You're welcome, world.

Green Tip #101: Let it Rain

Alright! The moment you've been waiting months for! After all this time, the final results of the Tournament are here! I know that you've all been reading intently over these past few weeks as I posted daily matchups, some of which went on for over 10 pages. I'm amazed that you would stick it out so faithfully and now you're here to find out the final results.

But before I reveal the big winner, I want to remember some of the best matches. Remember last Tuesday when-

Hey, wait... What's that orange button that says "Publish Post" at the bottom of my page supposed to mean? Oh.... wait, I think that I've been writing hundreds of pages of Tournament matches and not publishing any of them... Sorry about that...

Haha, no, I'm just kidding. I haven't been writing any posts because my heart has not been in it. Let's face it, the Tournament was probably a bad idea. It wasn't as funny and witty as the Green Tips that you've come to expect. So I'm starting over. I'm going to be less structured, more entertaining. I don't think I'm going to get on a fixed schedule yet, but we'll see once I get back on track.

Green Tip #101. I almost thought you'd never come. I actually thought of you before I even posted Green Tip #100, but I never got a chance to bring you to life.

A lot of hippies will tell you to not use your shower and instead take soap and shampoo (not much if your hair is short) outside when it rains and this can be used to cut down on your water consumption. I would also recommend that you do this, but not because it will save water.

No, I want you to shower in the rain so every time you try to clean yourself and you feel that distinct burning feeling all over your skin, you will remember how painful acid rain is and how bad it is for the environment. Every burning rash that develops will serve as a reminder to write your politician and tell them to do something about acid rain. And if you are a politician, remember that you can try this new showering practice, just remember not to strip naked in public places. After all, that's over 75% of political scandals start...

Sorry, still having internet problems...

Tournament Round 3, Match 2 - (1) Bikes vs. (3) Hybrid Vehicles

Again, sorry for the delay. Hopefully things will get back on track now, at least until the end of the tournament.

Bikes

Positive News Stories (20 out of 30)
Hm! I'm really surprised at what I found when I started searching for 'bike' in the news search. There are actually some pretty interesting things going on with bikes. While many of these news stories are really nothing groundbreaking, the fact that they continue to make headlines shows that there is continued interest in biking, at least in the US.

I read stories about bike taxi companies, stories about teaching kids with developmental disabilities how to ride bikes, stories about bike cops, and stories about bike summits. All in all, I'd say people are pretty interested in biking still and I don't see this as a trend that will be ending any time soon.

Negative News Stories (-3 out of -30)
I really can't say much bad about biking. I searched and I searched, but the worst stories I could find were about people stealing bikes. I did, however read an article about the same biking summit that I mentioned in the previous paragraph, except this story was told from a negative point of view. Check it out here. It's pretty interesting to see the other side of the same story. Regardless, I couldn't find too many people that were all that upset with bikes or any negative environmental consequences of the increased use of bikes in this country.

User Comments (4 out of 20)
Bikes. Word. In that I mean that 'Bikes' is a single word.

Tomorrow we'll continue to explore the world of Hybrid Vehicles. Can another #1 seed be knocked out by an underdog?? We shall see...