Green Tip #78: Move to Cleveland

So this entry was inspired by my vacation last week as well (again, another example of how vacations can be good influences for your blog!) As I was driving through Cleveland, Ohio, I started thinking about the city and it's long and interesting history. And while I do admit that some of the things that have happened have not been the most positive, I do believe that the impact of this Green Tip will start turning things around.

I'm going to tell this story from two points of view. The first will be from the point of view of history and what most people believe happened. The second will be from the point of view of myself with the somewhat jaded lens of environmental optimism that I like to take when creating the Impractical Green Resource.

So, Cleveland was founded sometime between 1492 and 1950 where the Cuyahoga River meets the shores of Lake Erie. Cleveland was known right away as a very progressive city. In a time when other people in the USA were killing and enslaving the local people, Cleveland was began the groundbreaking tradition of drafting them into local sports teams. Instead of killing Native Americans, they formed a baseball team. And the French soldiers that were captured in the area formed one of the earliest basketball teams. And finally the former slaves in the area formed the first professional football team.

Cleveland grew very quickly and soon blossomed from a rose to a chrysanthemum and became known as a leader in manufacturing and steel production. But with that rapid growth came horrible fiery growing pains. Cleveland was no longer a young teenager full of energy, it had become a mature woman going through menopause with the hot flashes coming in the form of the Cuyahoga River catching fire. Nine times over the course of 100 years between the 1860's and 1960's.

Yikes.

Cleveland became the laughing stock of the country in the '60s (1960's, of course) due to the extreme levels of pollution in the river. But the pain didn't stop there. Mother Nature, to punish the citizens of Cleveland, cursed the once legendary sports teams. Legend says that no Cleveland sports team will ever win a championship until the Cuyahoga River has been cleansed.

Well, to make things worse, the 70's and 80's rolled around and industry started failing in the Rust Belt and many Clevelanders became unemployed. The city they once called "The Crown Jewel of the Great Lakes" is now nothing more than a shell of what it once was. So while many people may be quick to ridicule "The Mistake on the Lake" I like to see things in a slightly different way.

Back in the day (let's just say Tuesday), the fine citizens of Cleveland decided that the United States wasn't doing enough to protect the environment. They approached Congress, but let's face it, who's going to listen to a bunch of corn-fed hicks? So even though people from Cleveland tried to make things better by talking, sometimes it's better to do something flashy. Like set a river on fire.

Who's ignoring who now??

Well, because of the fire, the Congress passed the Clean Water Act in 1972. But clean water wasn't enough for the environmentally conscious citizens of Cleveland. They realized that air pollution was a problem well before many people knew of the dangers. That's why they chose to let the heavy industry move away from the city. Steel plants and heavy manufacturing are known for being bad for air pollution. So Cleveland was just way ahead of the game to kick them out early. Let China deal with the pollution.

Anyway, the long and the short of it all is that Cleveland knows what's going on. Green Tip #78 is to Move to Cleveland. And it shouldn't be that far of a move, considering that you all should be in Ohio anyway.

Green Tip #71: Everyone Should Live in Ohio or Nepal

Usually I feel bad that I let things like my personal life and the Olympics get in the way of posting new Green Tips, but this time I'm actually pretty glad that I didn't get around to it yesterday. Because if I had tried to write a new post yesterday, then I wouldn't have been inspired to come up with Green Tip #71. Green Tip #71 is, of course, that everyone should move to either Nepal or Ohio.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Why didn't I think of that, it's so obvious?!" It's okay that you didn't think of it first. After all, it's my job to do this sort of thing. And if you thought of it first, what would be the point of me writing the IGR? So yeah, move to Ohio or Nepal and that should solve some of the environmental problems that we're facing.

What? That isn't what you're thinking? Oh, my bad. What are you thinking? "I have no idea how Green Tip #71 makes any sense?" Jeez, ok, fine. I'll explain it in great detail for all of you out there that are a little slow to catch up.

While I was watching the Olympics last night, I noticed that Nepal's flag was sort of unusually shaped.

Exhibit 1. Nepal's Flag

Jackpot! Think of all the cloth that people could save by having a flag that isn't all there (not in an offensive way). I did always feel unpatriotic waving a fully rectangular American flag at parades and things just because of how much cotton had to be harvested for the flag.

So I was all ready to pack my bags and head out to Nepal (after I figured out where Nepal is). But as I thought about it more, I realized that I didn't feel so sure about spending the rest of my life living in a country that has water buffalo meat as a chief industry. Then it dawned on me! I didn't have to move to Nepal! Ohio's flag is almost as unusually shaped!

Exhibit 2. Ohio's Flag

Yes, that's right. Ohio's goofy shaped flag that was always so awkward to draw in elementary school social studies class is actually good for the environment. So everyone else, pack your bags! We've got plenty of room to take everyone just so long as we fill in all of our farmlands with apartment complexes! Welcome home!