Green Tip #105: Don't Live By Example

Ladies and gentlemen, those of you that know me personally will know that I lived in California for almost a week several months ago and have made plans to travel back there in December. While I have tried to keep this dark secret out of the public, I cannot bear the shame of violating Green Tip #17 any longer. I have prepared an apology.

"First, please let me apologize to my family, friends, co-workers and fellow bloggers for the cloud placed over satirical Green blogs. I did nothing wrong while on the West Coast. I regret my decision to plead guilty and the sadness that decision has brought to my girlfriend, family, friends, and fellow bloggers. For that I apologize.

In September, I overreacted and made a poor decision. While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Burbank airport or anywhere else, I chose to only use public transportation that week in the hope of making it [California's pollution] go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, self-proclaimed California liberal eco-hippie, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it. Because of that, I have now come forth and I am asking my readers to review this matter and to advise me on how to proceed.

For a moment, I want to put my state of mind into context on September 12th. For eight months leading up to September, my blog and I had been relentlessly and viciously harassed by my poor motivation and an ill-conceived Tournament. If you've seen today's paper, you know why. Let me be clear: I do not hate the environment and never have. Also, I am not gay and never have been.

Still, without a shred of truth or evidence to the contrary, the memory of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch has engaged in this witch hunt. In pleading guilty to not recycling that week, I overreacted in California, because of the stress of the polluted air and the rumors it has fueled around the blogosphere (ugh, I hate that word). Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment. Furthermore, I should not have kept this travel to myself, and should have told my family and friends about it. I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have done so anyway.

I love my fiance, family, friends, readers and the environment. I love serving the Internet in this blog. Over the years, I have accomplished a lot for the environment, and I hope my readers will allow me to continue to do that. There are still goals I would like to accomplish, and I believe I can still be an effective leader for eco-hippies everywhere. Next month, I will announce, as planned, whether or not I will recycle when I am in California.

As an elected [by Blogger.com and myself] blogger, I fully realize that my life is open for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for the mistake in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself.

It is clear, though, that through my actions I have brought a cloud [of smog] over California. For that, I ask the readers of this blog for their forgiveness.

As I mentioned earlier, I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment."

Okay, one further comment. The framework for the apology was provided by a former Senator from Idaho named Larry Craig. For a better appreciation of the paragraphs above, see this article here. Oh, and me stealing this speech is a good example of how to live out Green Tip #10.

Not a Green Tip #3: Apologies

For those of you that were aghast to find that I was actually going to apologize for something, let me just reassure you that, like the politicians I dissed in the first match up of the Tournament, I'm going to turn it around at the end and make it something positive. You'll see; it'll be epic!

I'd actually like to make an apology that is twofold. And the second of those two folds is, complexly enough, also twofold. (You're my new best friend if you get what I'm referencing! Don't bother Googling it unless you want to learn how to fold shirts.) Without further ado, here it comes.

My first apology comes from a mistake I made just recently when I was discussing the awesomeness of Energy Star Ratings during its head-to-head (most worthless link ever. Just scroll down!) against Reducing and Reusing in the Tournament. I stated, and I paraphrase, "And upon the date of my spying some cotton-based article of adornment, I shalt feel the most unusual occurrence beginning to develop upon my countenance. For I will find myself gazing upon the emblem which had hitherto eluded my cunning and worldly experiences. It shalt be none other than the Energy Star logo, and as far as I can conjecture, no man nor personage of the fairer sex has yet seen this as of this present hour." Basically, I've never seen an Energy Star t-shirt.

Until now.

Okay, so that's a stretch. You could have a shirt made with any sorts of logos, including the Energy Star one, but the fact of the matter is that it could theoretically exist out there. But looking back at the scores, Energy Star would have to score a perfect 10 in awesomeness in order to simply tie Reducing and Reusing. And I don't know about you, but all the t-shirts in the world can't help out Energy Star that much in awesomeness.

So, moving on to my next (twofold) apology. A while back, when I was discussing Disney World, I insulted non-Disney World buses calling them, and I quote directly, "somewhat frightening sometimes with homeless people and drunkards." Now, I don't want to apologize to bus owners or bus passengers, don't misunderstand me. I still feel that inner city buses are terrifying. No, I want to apologize to drunkards and homeless people.

Drunkards and the homeless get way too much blame for all of society's ills. Sure, they sometimes smell like vomit and urine, but still I feel like I don't have any right to insult them like that. Mainly because they're probably following my advice.

You see, WAAAAAY back in the early days of the Impractical Green Resource, I wrote a quaint little Green Tip called Green Tip #13 that was aimed at people that were struggling with the Recession. I argued that people who were poor and out of work were better for the environment. I also went so far as to say that you need to lose your home before you can be truly Green. So next time I see a homeless person, I'll be sure to thank them for the sacrifices they've made for the environment. You should too!

Continuing on, I also need to apologize to drunkards, who are clearly just following the advice I gave in Green Tip #79. I posted that on March 19, 2010, so I was clearly aiming it at the people who believe that St. Patrick was such a good saint that his holiday should be celebrated for at least three days in a row. In other words, alcoholics! Yes, the drunkards you see on the bus are most likely there because they got drunk to avoid the temptation of driving their gas-guzzling SUVs. Great job, guys (in a gender-neutral way)!

So with all this talk about the buses, you're sure to see them in a whole new light, won't you? In fact, you're probably dying to know more about buses and their impact on the environment, right? Well great!!! Check out the IGR tomorrow for the match-up between Biking and Buses!

(Wasn't that epic? Turning an apology into a self promotion? Seriously, Marcy Kaptur, just hand over the keys to the US Congress seat because I'm already such a darn good politician.)