Green Tip #106: Green Recipe #1 - Eco-Friendly Beer Boiled Shrimp

So, there have been countless cookbooks that have gone into great detail about how to cook more eco-friendly, but it's my opinion that they haven't gone far enough to protect the environment. Here's the first of many recipes that I feel are as good for the environment as you can possibly be when cooking:

Eco-Friendly Boiled Shrimp

Ingredients:
1 pound of butter*
1 large onion, chopped**
1 tablespoon salt***
5 lbs large shrimp****
3 bottles (12 oz) beer*****
A large pile of dry wood

*In order to make butter eco-friendly, first find a free-range cow and milk it. Then, take the milk and churn it in order to produce organic butter (Note: befriend an Amish for best butter churning techniques)
**Onion should be grown in your own personal garden using no pesticides or fertilizers. You can never trust food companies and grocery stores when they say an onion is organic, so it's best to do it yourself. Allow several weeks for onion to grow to maturity.
***Salt should be organic, free-range salt. Don't question me! Just get some!
****Shrimp should be gathered by hand (or organically made net) from the nearest Gulf or Ocean. After walking (to save on carbon emissions) to the nearest salt water body of water and shrimp are fished, be sure to remove all bits of plastic that have been entangled in the net (from the Great Pacific or Atlantic Garbage Patches). Shrimp should be humanely put to sleep using jagged local rocks. Any other method is not environmentally friendly enough.
*****Beer should be personally brewed from only the most organic methods possible. For best results, please use the recipe and methods used by 6000 BC Ancient Iraqis. Any recipes more modern than that have surely been tainted by Big Alcohol and do not meet the Green standards of this recipe.

First, place the beer and the salt into a large eco-friendly kettle. Begin the process of rubbing wood together to start a fire. After several hundred tries and many splinters later, give up and walk to the nearest Red Lobster. Order from the menu and enjoy! Don't forget to tip your waiter or waitress!

Now I know what you're thinking... Is it really eco-friendly if I order from Red Lobster? Aren't they a large company that doesn't care about the environment and in fact is part of a global conspiracy to overfish the seas in order to destabilize fishing-based economies such as Japan and Norway as part of a plan to create a New World Order?

Maybe, but you're walking to Red Lobster, so you're cutting back on the amount of gas you're using! Way to be Green!