Ah yes, the infamous First Person Shooters. I'm not going to go in a very long explanation of what an FPS is. I'd say it's pretty clear from the title that these are video games in which the gameplay is from the point of view of the main character and your goal is to go around and teach the benefits of alternative energy to elementary school children. Haha, I'm of course kidding. Your goal is to go around shooting terrorists in the face. It's okay, you don't need to worry if you just killed an innocent person or not. If they really were innocent, you'd probably lose points or the game would end, so as long as that doesn't happen, your conscious can stay clean.
So anyway, the FPS what I've got my sights set on in the third part of my video game series. Green Tip #67 is of course to not play these games. Oh, no, I'm not objecting to the violent content of these games. If anything, all the random killing is just going to help keep overpopulation under control. I've got some serious issues with the other messages that these games are teaching our impressionable youth.
First off, I've never seen a game like this where you have to worry about how much gas the car you just stole is using. I mean, you can just drive Hummers (ah, my dear friend, it's been a while...) around all day long and never run out of gas. When our children turn 16 and are allowed to drive, they are going to be seriously upset that they need to fill up the tank of their Dad's Hummer every 7 minutes. I know game developers have an easy time animating the boxy features of a Hummer, but I think it would be worth it to spend a little longer getting the curves of a Prius right.
And what about all of the buildings that you destroy in these games? I've seen pictures and videos from after 9/11. That debris doesn't just fade away like it does in FPS's. What if video games made you have to take all that rubble to the nearest landfill once you blew up a terrorist's stronghold? That would make you think twice about laying down all that C4.
And finally, have you ever thought about how many bullets you fire in a game like this? Thousands upon thousands. If you're singlehandedly taking down the North Korean army, you can only imagine how many shell casings you're going to be left with at the end of it all. My suggestion is to have a side mission where you gather them all up and sell them to a scrap metal recycling company. The bonus being that you get a little more cash to use to buy more body armor or something like that.
Well, there you have it. The FPS, while seriously flawed, could easily be altered to be much more environmentally friendly. Make sure you come by again on Tuesday, when I'll be wrapping up the stretch of video game themed Green Tips!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Green Tip #66: Final Fantasy
Well hello everyone! It's great to be back after a whole week of not posting any Green Tips. But until they create some sort of device that lets you get on the Internet while you're sitting in a car, I'm going to have to miss a few days here and there. Without further ado, here's the second part of my video game series!
Ah, Final Fantasy. A video game series that started in 1987 in Japan and brought to the US in 1990. Since that original game came out for the Nintendo Entertainment System, 13 sequels and close to 30 spinoffs have been made, and that's not even counting the numerous TV shows and movies and anime mangas and fan fictions and fan conventions and plush dolls and Final Fantasy XIII Lightning Raitoningu Weapon Keychains. Let me just say that it's going to be really awkward when they do make the last Final Fantasy game. I suggest that they take a cue from the Final Destination and Fast and Furious movies and call the last game "The Final Fantasy." Anyway, I think you get the point. On to Green Tip #66.
Shut it down, Square Enix (makers of FF games). That's Green Tip #66. While your games characters aren't traitors like Mario is, it doesn't mean that you're sending the right environmental message. Even though many of your games take place before the Industrial Revolution, you still can't help but spread your irresponsible garbage about using magic like there's no tomorrow. (Which, in most games, there is the threat that there's no tomorrow because some evil is about to destroy the world. But that doesn't mean you can't practice some conservation). Despite what all of the propaganda says, magic is not a renewable energy source. And don't think you can just ride your chocobo to work to make up for it.
Anyway, here are my suggestions for Final Fantasy XV. The four elemental crystals are running low on magical energy and you play as a young hero who was chosen to save the world by some ancient prophecy. But, after playing all of the games before this one and realizing that all way too much crap has happened to all of the other heroes (girlfriends being stabbed, hometowns being destroyed, evil curses being put on you and your whole band of warriors), you choose a different path to save the world: Politics.
Just think of it now, instead of building up an arsenal of swords and shields and armor, you need to create campaign buttons and signs. Instead of a well balanced miniature army of warriors and magicians, you must recruit a strong campaign staff. And then when you do manage to get elected, you must fight the uphill battle against corruption and political maneuvering to pass a bill creating magic efficiency standards.
I know it may not sound exciting now, but let's face it, you can't fight Global Warming with a sword. And the Final Fantasy series needs to shape up its image. Square Enix, think about this when you're making Final Fantasy XV, otherwise you'll find that your games are numbered...
I mean numbered in a bad way, not numbered like they already are... You know what I mean.
Ah, Final Fantasy. A video game series that started in 1987 in Japan and brought to the US in 1990. Since that original game came out for the Nintendo Entertainment System, 13 sequels and close to 30 spinoffs have been made, and that's not even counting the numerous TV shows and movies and anime mangas and fan fictions and fan conventions and plush dolls and Final Fantasy XIII Lightning Raitoningu Weapon Keychains. Let me just say that it's going to be really awkward when they do make the last Final Fantasy game. I suggest that they take a cue from the Final Destination and Fast and Furious movies and call the last game "The Final Fantasy." Anyway, I think you get the point. On to Green Tip #66.
Shut it down, Square Enix (makers of FF games). That's Green Tip #66. While your games characters aren't traitors like Mario is, it doesn't mean that you're sending the right environmental message. Even though many of your games take place before the Industrial Revolution, you still can't help but spread your irresponsible garbage about using magic like there's no tomorrow. (Which, in most games, there is the threat that there's no tomorrow because some evil is about to destroy the world. But that doesn't mean you can't practice some conservation). Despite what all of the propaganda says, magic is not a renewable energy source. And don't think you can just ride your chocobo to work to make up for it.
Anyway, here are my suggestions for Final Fantasy XV. The four elemental crystals are running low on magical energy and you play as a young hero who was chosen to save the world by some ancient prophecy. But, after playing all of the games before this one and realizing that all way too much crap has happened to all of the other heroes (girlfriends being stabbed, hometowns being destroyed, evil curses being put on you and your whole band of warriors), you choose a different path to save the world: Politics.
Just think of it now, instead of building up an arsenal of swords and shields and armor, you need to create campaign buttons and signs. Instead of a well balanced miniature army of warriors and magicians, you must recruit a strong campaign staff. And then when you do manage to get elected, you must fight the uphill battle against corruption and political maneuvering to pass a bill creating magic efficiency standards.
I know it may not sound exciting now, but let's face it, you can't fight Global Warming with a sword. And the Final Fantasy series needs to shape up its image. Square Enix, think about this when you're making Final Fantasy XV, otherwise you'll find that your games are numbered...
I mean numbered in a bad way, not numbered like they already are... You know what I mean.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Green Tip #65: Mario is a Traitor
Hooray! The reason I'm celebrating is that today marks the first part of a four part series (over the course of two weeks) that I'll be doing about video games! Yes, video games and all the horrible messages they send to our children. I'm sure you've all heard about the news stories. Things like how you can kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto. They've been reporting on the wrong games, in my opinion. For I know of games that have even worse messages than Grand Theft Auto. One such video game series is the focus of Green Tip #65.
Super Mario Bros.
Ah yes, that seemingly friendly and innocuous plumber that has been showing up in our kids' living rooms for almost 30 years. And while he has been praised for being a good clean alternative to the hyper-realistic and over-violent shooting games that have been popular in recent years, this mustached man hides a sinister message.
If one is knowledgeable of history, one might remember where Mario got his start. Back in 1981, a young man known only as 'Jumpman' stood up to the over-industrialization of the world and the big oil companies in an arcade game known as Donkey Kong. For those of you that haven't played the game, it is a tale as old as time. Donkey Kong, a large ape, kidnaps Jumpman's girlfriend and Jumpman has to scale up a scaffolding dodging barrels and fireballs to save the fair maiden.
I'm sure anyone that's played the game has immediately noticed that this game is a metaphor for the oil crisis of 1979. Donkey Kong, who throws barrels of oil, is a metaphor for oil producing countries like Iran and the USSR who kidnapped Jumpman's girlfriend, who represents the clean air and water we had before the US became addicted to oil. Jumpman would therefore represent Green technologies like solar power, wind power, and the fuel efficient cars from Japan that were just catching on in the US. (Toyota's from Japan and so is Nintendo. It's so obvious!)
Ah yes, the environment finally had a champion to rally behind. But who was this mysterious Jumpman that stood up to rising oil prices? Everyone wanted more from this red, blue, and Green hero. But the world was about to realize a sad, sad truth. Sometimes fame goes to peoples' heads...
Mario made his return in 1985 with the smash hit Super Mario Bros. for the original Nintendo Entertainment System. But this latest adventure was nothing at all what everyone expected. Gone was the noble hero that had risen from blue-collar worker status to take down the forces of environmental ruin. No, dear readers, in his place was a crazed man who let fame and corporate sponsorship corrupt his very moral fibers. Instead of killing the ape of Global Warming with the Hammer of Energy Efficiency (a forerunner of the Energy Efficient Sword of Light), Mario rampaged through the land, destroying local fungus and reptile species to the point that they almost went extinct. Mario, having no regard for sustainable practices, tore apart flowers and spewed fireballs, not caring that his fire was contributing to Global Warming. Even his brother Luigi was a farce. With his green clothes an obvious mockery of the Green movement, he ravaged the land, draining away the natural gold deposits and killing countless schools of fish and squids.
I'm sorry to say that Mario is one hero that has gone to the dark side. Once a shining beacon of hope in the War Against Global Warming, this hero continues to strip the earth of its precious resources. From poisoning the water with his blatant over-medicating in Dr. Mario, to the enslaving and domesticating of endangered dinosaur species in Super Mario World, Mario leaves a path of environmental destruction where ever he goes. The fossil fuels he once rejected now power his and his friends' go Karts. He rejects the idea of conserving Paper, even going to far as to create entire worlds made out of it. And while the world continues to collapse around him, all he can do is to get a massive sugar high and have Parties and Brawl in his reckless underground fight clubs.
Children. Do not fall for the devious tricks of this liar. This Charlatan of Environmental Justice. Remember once what this great man stood for and never give up the fight again Global Warming. Even if our greatest heroes have...
Super Mario Bros.
Ah yes, that seemingly friendly and innocuous plumber that has been showing up in our kids' living rooms for almost 30 years. And while he has been praised for being a good clean alternative to the hyper-realistic and over-violent shooting games that have been popular in recent years, this mustached man hides a sinister message.
If one is knowledgeable of history, one might remember where Mario got his start. Back in 1981, a young man known only as 'Jumpman' stood up to the over-industrialization of the world and the big oil companies in an arcade game known as Donkey Kong. For those of you that haven't played the game, it is a tale as old as time. Donkey Kong, a large ape, kidnaps Jumpman's girlfriend and Jumpman has to scale up a scaffolding dodging barrels and fireballs to save the fair maiden.
I'm sure anyone that's played the game has immediately noticed that this game is a metaphor for the oil crisis of 1979. Donkey Kong, who throws barrels of oil, is a metaphor for oil producing countries like Iran and the USSR who kidnapped Jumpman's girlfriend, who represents the clean air and water we had before the US became addicted to oil. Jumpman would therefore represent Green technologies like solar power, wind power, and the fuel efficient cars from Japan that were just catching on in the US. (Toyota's from Japan and so is Nintendo. It's so obvious!)
Ah yes, the environment finally had a champion to rally behind. But who was this mysterious Jumpman that stood up to rising oil prices? Everyone wanted more from this red, blue, and Green hero. But the world was about to realize a sad, sad truth. Sometimes fame goes to peoples' heads...
Mario made his return in 1985 with the smash hit Super Mario Bros. for the original Nintendo Entertainment System. But this latest adventure was nothing at all what everyone expected. Gone was the noble hero that had risen from blue-collar worker status to take down the forces of environmental ruin. No, dear readers, in his place was a crazed man who let fame and corporate sponsorship corrupt his very moral fibers. Instead of killing the ape of Global Warming with the Hammer of Energy Efficiency (a forerunner of the Energy Efficient Sword of Light), Mario rampaged through the land, destroying local fungus and reptile species to the point that they almost went extinct. Mario, having no regard for sustainable practices, tore apart flowers and spewed fireballs, not caring that his fire was contributing to Global Warming. Even his brother Luigi was a farce. With his green clothes an obvious mockery of the Green movement, he ravaged the land, draining away the natural gold deposits and killing countless schools of fish and squids.
I'm sorry to say that Mario is one hero that has gone to the dark side. Once a shining beacon of hope in the War Against Global Warming, this hero continues to strip the earth of its precious resources. From poisoning the water with his blatant over-medicating in Dr. Mario, to the enslaving and domesticating of endangered dinosaur species in Super Mario World, Mario leaves a path of environmental destruction where ever he goes. The fossil fuels he once rejected now power his and his friends' go Karts. He rejects the idea of conserving Paper, even going to far as to create entire worlds made out of it. And while the world continues to collapse around him, all he can do is to get a massive sugar high and have Parties and Brawl in his reckless underground fight clubs.
Children. Do not fall for the devious tricks of this liar. This Charlatan of Environmental Justice. Remember once what this great man stood for and never give up the fight again Global Warming. Even if our greatest heroes have...
Friday, January 15, 2010
Green Tip #64: Forced Vegetarianism
Unlike many other environmental-type people, I've never tried being vegetarian, mostly because meat is just so tasty. I mean, you put a bacon cheeseburger in front of me and you'd better make sure your fingers are out of the way, otherwise I might just bite those off. But I do respect those of you who do choose to not eat meat. I mean, it does take a lot of earth's natural resources to raise livestock and chickens and all those things. So what is the environmentally conscious person with no willpower and an appetite for pork rinds supposed to do?
I'll tell you in Green Tip #64! I realized this last night while I was brushing my teeth. I was trying to think of something that would make brushing your teeth more Green (there's not much I could think of shy of not using water or not doing it altogether) when I realized that not doing it altogether would help out in other ways. Let's say you never brush your teeth for the rest of your life. Pretty soon your teeth will rot away and fall out. And you (by you I mean me), being a 20-something college student, would never consider getting dentures because you're too young. Well pretty soon, you'll be stuck eating only things that have the consistency of applesauce or less.
That certainly rules out anything meat-based. I mean, all you can eat in this case would be pudding or rice or other squishy things. I guess you could eat meat milkshakes, but um... gross... Just stay away from JELLO, it's made from animal bones. Yeah, weird huh?
I'll tell you in Green Tip #64! I realized this last night while I was brushing my teeth. I was trying to think of something that would make brushing your teeth more Green (there's not much I could think of shy of not using water or not doing it altogether) when I realized that not doing it altogether would help out in other ways. Let's say you never brush your teeth for the rest of your life. Pretty soon your teeth will rot away and fall out. And you (by you I mean me), being a 20-something college student, would never consider getting dentures because you're too young. Well pretty soon, you'll be stuck eating only things that have the consistency of applesauce or less.
That certainly rules out anything meat-based. I mean, all you can eat in this case would be pudding or rice or other squishy things. I guess you could eat meat milkshakes, but um... gross... Just stay away from JELLO, it's made from animal bones. Yeah, weird huh?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Green Tip #63: Take That Hawaiian Trip!
Now, you'll have noticed that over the past months that I've been writing The Impractical Green Resource, more often than not, I've advocated NOT doing things. Don't ever brake when you're driving. Don't use tissues. Don't wear clothes. Don't use wrapping paper. Don't ever leave your house. You're probably sick of me by now telling you what you can't do. And, yes, I realize that I've been a little bit of a stick in the mud. And you know what, I think I'll make it up to you. I'm going to suggest that you do something fun.
Taking that trip to Hawaii is actually a pretty Green Thing to do. In fact, that's Green Tip #63. Take a trip to Hawaii right now.
"But wait!" you're probably thinking or saying out loud to yourself (by the way, talking to yourself can be an early sign of schizophrenia, so I'd get that checked out), "how can a trip to Hawaii be a Green Tip?? Think of all the fuel wasted in flying out there and back! And what about the fact that I'll have to rent a car when I get there? And all those mountains??? I'm sure I'll get horrible gas mileage!"
"Calm down for a second," I tell myself. "I'm missing the point of the Green Tip."
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"Well, I happen to know that due to tectonic activity, Hawaii is moving 3 inches towards Japan every year."
"Really? That doesn't seem all that significant..."
"Yeah, but think of the extra fuel that the plane will use getting those extra three inches."
"Psh! It's only three inches!"
"Okay then, we'll just land three inches short of the runway and you can get out and push us the last little bit."
"I can't push a jet at all, let alone three inches!"
"Well if you can't do it, that should give you an idea of how much fuel it must take..."
"Hm, maybe you're right. I'm going to go pack right now!"
Well, I think I've been talking to myself just a bit too much. I'm going to end this now before somebody (SPOILERS!) pushes me in to the fires of Mount Doom.
Enjoy Hawaii!
Taking that trip to Hawaii is actually a pretty Green Thing to do. In fact, that's Green Tip #63. Take a trip to Hawaii right now.
"But wait!" you're probably thinking or saying out loud to yourself (by the way, talking to yourself can be an early sign of schizophrenia, so I'd get that checked out), "how can a trip to Hawaii be a Green Tip?? Think of all the fuel wasted in flying out there and back! And what about the fact that I'll have to rent a car when I get there? And all those mountains??? I'm sure I'll get horrible gas mileage!"
"Calm down for a second," I tell myself. "I'm missing the point of the Green Tip."
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"Well, I happen to know that due to tectonic activity, Hawaii is moving 3 inches towards Japan every year."
"Really? That doesn't seem all that significant..."
"Yeah, but think of the extra fuel that the plane will use getting those extra three inches."
"Psh! It's only three inches!"
"Okay then, we'll just land three inches short of the runway and you can get out and push us the last little bit."
"I can't push a jet at all, let alone three inches!"
"Well if you can't do it, that should give you an idea of how much fuel it must take..."
"Hm, maybe you're right. I'm going to go pack right now!"
Well, I think I've been talking to myself just a bit too much. I'm going to end this now before somebody (SPOILERS!) pushes me in to the fires of Mount Doom.
Enjoy Hawaii!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Green Tip #62: Refrigerator Light Bulbs
This was something that I was going to write about earlier because it happened a few weeks ago, but I got busy with special holiday posts and things. This is something that kind of bothered me at first, but now that I've gotten used to it, it actually turns out to be a blessing in disguise. I am of course talking about an issue that has plagued countless American homes: Inadvertent Culinary Vandalism (ICV).
Yes, our household has seen at least three cases of ICV in the past year, each one more horrific and terrifying than the last one. The first involved a kitchen time being knocked to the floor, causing the numbers to not display properly. The second was someone (who will not be named) who used her Hulk-like powers to rip the handle off of the refrigerator door. As if those weren't bad enough, a few weeks ago someone who lives here that isn't me broke the switch that activates the light in the fridge.
I know! It was so traumatic. But luckily, (don't worry, there's a Green message in here somewhere) this cloud has a silver lining. This case of ICV made me realize that we don't need lights in our fridges. Yes, it's true, we can't see all the mold growing on everything until it's too late, but look at the Green side of the whole picture. Having the light on generates heat and that heat takes even more energy for the fridge to bring the temperature back down.
So let's all ditch the lights in our fridges. Sometimes we need to have a little bit of ICV to make us realize things like this, so next time someone breaks something in your kitchen, don't get mad, get Green!
Yes, our household has seen at least three cases of ICV in the past year, each one more horrific and terrifying than the last one. The first involved a kitchen time being knocked to the floor, causing the numbers to not display properly. The second was someone (who will not be named) who used her Hulk-like powers to rip the handle off of the refrigerator door. As if those weren't bad enough, a few weeks ago someone who lives here that isn't me broke the switch that activates the light in the fridge.
I know! It was so traumatic. But luckily, (don't worry, there's a Green message in here somewhere) this cloud has a silver lining. This case of ICV made me realize that we don't need lights in our fridges. Yes, it's true, we can't see all the mold growing on everything until it's too late, but look at the Green side of the whole picture. Having the light on generates heat and that heat takes even more energy for the fridge to bring the temperature back down.
So let's all ditch the lights in our fridges. Sometimes we need to have a little bit of ICV to make us realize things like this, so next time someone breaks something in your kitchen, don't get mad, get Green!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Green Tip #61: Celebrity Endorsements
So I was thinking about Global Warming and the fight against it. At first I thought that we must be winning the War on Pollution because of how cold it is and how much it's snowing here, but then I realized that it's actually just winter coming around again this year. Darn, I had so much hope that we had won.
Well anyway, I started thinking about what we needed to do to win the Fight Against Global Extreme Temperatures and I started thinking about what people have done to win the fight against other things. And just about then I remembered a commercial for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals that featured a whole bunch of videos of pets and animals that have been victims of abuse of some sort. And there's some really sad song playing and some white words are fading in and out on black text. Anyway, this commercial and other commercials like it have something that I think Global Warming needs.
A celebrity.
Yes, in this commercial, Canadian singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan makes an appearance and she talks about how much animals mean to her in order to raise support for her cause. Then I started thinking about how some celebrities are known for their causes, such as Michael J. Fox and Parkinson's, Bono and poverty, Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity. And while there are a lot of celebrities that support better care for the environment, there is no ONE celebrity that is really really known for it. Or maybe there is, but if I don't know about it, then they're not doing a good enough job.
So Green Tip #61 goes out to everyone that interact with celebrities in any way. So... if you could just speed things along just for a little bit. We just need one Global Warming related disaster that can make a celebrity start fighting for the cause. I want you to imagine flipping on the tv and seeing this commercial:
Opens on a fade in of the ruins of a house. The Climb by Miley Cyrus is playing.
(In white text on black background): What if our actions have consequences?
Fade in a shot of something flooding.
(In white text on black background): Would we live differently?
Miley Cyrus is shown walking through the ruins of her home.
Miley: "Hi. I'm Miley Cyrus and I am a victim of Global Warming. I never thought about what impact we're having on our environment until my home was destroyed by Climate Change. But now I realize that it's not too late to act. For less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can join in the fight against Global Warming. Call now and make a difference for our future. And our children's future."
A few poverty-stricken racially diverse kids appear out of nowhere and hug Miley, but in a really sad but kind of hopeful way.
Fade to black.
Call me, Miley... If you start endorsing the Fight Against Global Warming now, this doesn't have to happen. Your home could still be spared.
Hm. I think I just threatened Miley Cyrus...
Well anyway, I started thinking about what we needed to do to win the Fight Against Global Extreme Temperatures and I started thinking about what people have done to win the fight against other things. And just about then I remembered a commercial for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals that featured a whole bunch of videos of pets and animals that have been victims of abuse of some sort. And there's some really sad song playing and some white words are fading in and out on black text. Anyway, this commercial and other commercials like it have something that I think Global Warming needs.
A celebrity.
Yes, in this commercial, Canadian singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan makes an appearance and she talks about how much animals mean to her in order to raise support for her cause. Then I started thinking about how some celebrities are known for their causes, such as Michael J. Fox and Parkinson's, Bono and poverty, Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity. And while there are a lot of celebrities that support better care for the environment, there is no ONE celebrity that is really really known for it. Or maybe there is, but if I don't know about it, then they're not doing a good enough job.
So Green Tip #61 goes out to everyone that interact with celebrities in any way. So... if you could just speed things along just for a little bit. We just need one Global Warming related disaster that can make a celebrity start fighting for the cause. I want you to imagine flipping on the tv and seeing this commercial:
Opens on a fade in of the ruins of a house. The Climb by Miley Cyrus is playing.
(In white text on black background): What if our actions have consequences?
Fade in a shot of something flooding.
(In white text on black background): Would we live differently?
Miley Cyrus is shown walking through the ruins of her home.
Miley: "Hi. I'm Miley Cyrus and I am a victim of Global Warming. I never thought about what impact we're having on our environment until my home was destroyed by Climate Change. But now I realize that it's not too late to act. For less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can join in the fight against Global Warming. Call now and make a difference for our future. And our children's future."
A few poverty-stricken racially diverse kids appear out of nowhere and hug Miley, but in a really sad but kind of hopeful way.
Fade to black.
Call me, Miley... If you start endorsing the Fight Against Global Warming now, this doesn't have to happen. Your home could still be spared.
Hm. I think I just threatened Miley Cyrus...
Friday, January 1, 2010
5 Green News Stories of 2010
Happy New Year!!! I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable New Years Eve. Let me say, I totally called it about this year being better than last year. I know we're only 3/4 of a day through the year, but I have a good feeling about it already. So good in fact that I think I'll do another special post, this time predicting five big Green news stories of 2010. Now there's obviously no way I can know what's going to happen, so I'll do what The Onion and Fox News do and make it up. Without further ado, here's (not the top) 5 Green News Stories of 2010.
1) Lunar Panels Invented
After a small start up company, First Lunar, patented the world's first lunar panel, the alternative energy industry was turned on its end. Not so much that these new ultra-inefficient panels have solved our energy crises, but this proposed new invention was just crazy enough to give all of the mad scientist-style inventors out there enough reason to go forward with their ideas. Following the advent of the lunar panels, the world saw such insane ideas as earwax powered cars, airplanes propelled with giant rubber bands and replacing all street lamps with large rows of glow-in-the-dark stars. This unfortunately led to a general loss of respect for the alternative energy industry which may take years to repair.
2) Pitcairn Islands Become Carbon Neutral
In a move that nobody saw coming (because nobody was watching), the Pitcairn Islands became the first nation to declare their independence completely from fossil fuels. After the announcement was made, the international green community simply shrugged their shoulders. "So?" was the general response. "You've only got 50 people living there. That's not really an accomplishment." This uninspiring feat was accomplished when mayor Mike Warren was walking to work one day and noticed a rusty old bike with a missing tire sitting on the side of the road. This prompted him to hire a local man to ride the bike, which was attached to a generator for 0.496 New Zealand dollars per day. Not to be outdone, the small island nation of Tokelau announced plans to be carbon neutral by 2020.
3) First Green Party Representative Elected to Congress
On November 3rd, 2010, Green Party member Harold Stanley woke up to a very surprising phone call when he found out he had been elected as a representative of Florida in the US Congress. Said Stanley, "I submitted my paperwork a few months ago to run for Representative on a dare, but I just assumed they never got it because they never got back to me. I sort of forgot about it until one of my buddies called me the next morning saying that I won the election!" Experts are baffled on how this happened, as Stanley never once campaigned. Some are saying this was the result of the hanging chads that plagued the 2000 presidential election that were brought back following the worldwide spike in energy prices. Following the infamous event in which the Large Hadron Collider became self-aware and began destroying all European nuclear reactors, most states scrapped plans to use electronic voting machines in favor of paper ballots due to high energy costs. When asked about his stunning win, Stanley simply said that he should probably tell his boss at Wal-Mart that he was going to need more days off.
4) Lake Erie Dries Up
Following the widespread drought during the summer of 2010, the levels of Lake Erie dropped so precipitously that many scientists are beginning to reclassify it as the Erie River. Upon investigation, it appears that southern states such as Georgia, Alabama and Florida were so inspired by the 2007 film There Will Be Blood that they began building pipelines that ran up to Lake Erie, thus draining the shallow Great Lake over the course of the summer. Said Representative Stanley (G-FL), "I'm not sure how this happened. I guess we drank their milkshake. On the bright side, nobody can call Cleveland 'The Mistake on the Lake' anymore as the lake is now 20 miles away from the city." Toledo mayor Mike Bell has already announced plans to annex the land bridge that extends to Put-in-Bay.
5) Eighth Harry Potter Book Revealed
Following the success of her seven part Harry Potter book series, J.K. Rowling has announced that she will be writing an eighth entry in her ongoing saga. While few details have been released, we do know that following the Dark Wizard Voldemort's defeat (retroactive SPOILER ALERT), Harry and his friends have realized that Global Warming is a much greater foe than any other evil wizards. There is speculation that rival student Draco Malfoy will be issuing an environmental challenge to see which of the four houses at Hogwarts can cut their carbon footprints the most... WITHOUT USING MAGIC!!! Can Harry live up to his reputation as the boy wonder? Find out in Fall of 2011 in Harry Potter and the Energy-Efficient Sword of Light.
Please help us all if any of these come true....
1) Lunar Panels Invented
After a small start up company, First Lunar, patented the world's first lunar panel, the alternative energy industry was turned on its end. Not so much that these new ultra-inefficient panels have solved our energy crises, but this proposed new invention was just crazy enough to give all of the mad scientist-style inventors out there enough reason to go forward with their ideas. Following the advent of the lunar panels, the world saw such insane ideas as earwax powered cars, airplanes propelled with giant rubber bands and replacing all street lamps with large rows of glow-in-the-dark stars. This unfortunately led to a general loss of respect for the alternative energy industry which may take years to repair.
2) Pitcairn Islands Become Carbon Neutral
In a move that nobody saw coming (because nobody was watching), the Pitcairn Islands became the first nation to declare their independence completely from fossil fuels. After the announcement was made, the international green community simply shrugged their shoulders. "So?" was the general response. "You've only got 50 people living there. That's not really an accomplishment." This uninspiring feat was accomplished when mayor Mike Warren was walking to work one day and noticed a rusty old bike with a missing tire sitting on the side of the road. This prompted him to hire a local man to ride the bike, which was attached to a generator for 0.496 New Zealand dollars per day. Not to be outdone, the small island nation of Tokelau announced plans to be carbon neutral by 2020.
3) First Green Party Representative Elected to Congress
On November 3rd, 2010, Green Party member Harold Stanley woke up to a very surprising phone call when he found out he had been elected as a representative of Florida in the US Congress. Said Stanley, "I submitted my paperwork a few months ago to run for Representative on a dare, but I just assumed they never got it because they never got back to me. I sort of forgot about it until one of my buddies called me the next morning saying that I won the election!" Experts are baffled on how this happened, as Stanley never once campaigned. Some are saying this was the result of the hanging chads that plagued the 2000 presidential election that were brought back following the worldwide spike in energy prices. Following the infamous event in which the Large Hadron Collider became self-aware and began destroying all European nuclear reactors, most states scrapped plans to use electronic voting machines in favor of paper ballots due to high energy costs. When asked about his stunning win, Stanley simply said that he should probably tell his boss at Wal-Mart that he was going to need more days off.
4) Lake Erie Dries Up
Following the widespread drought during the summer of 2010, the levels of Lake Erie dropped so precipitously that many scientists are beginning to reclassify it as the Erie River. Upon investigation, it appears that southern states such as Georgia, Alabama and Florida were so inspired by the 2007 film There Will Be Blood that they began building pipelines that ran up to Lake Erie, thus draining the shallow Great Lake over the course of the summer. Said Representative Stanley (G-FL), "I'm not sure how this happened. I guess we drank their milkshake. On the bright side, nobody can call Cleveland 'The Mistake on the Lake' anymore as the lake is now 20 miles away from the city." Toledo mayor Mike Bell has already announced plans to annex the land bridge that extends to Put-in-Bay.
5) Eighth Harry Potter Book Revealed
Following the success of her seven part Harry Potter book series, J.K. Rowling has announced that she will be writing an eighth entry in her ongoing saga. While few details have been released, we do know that following the Dark Wizard Voldemort's defeat (retroactive SPOILER ALERT), Harry and his friends have realized that Global Warming is a much greater foe than any other evil wizards. There is speculation that rival student Draco Malfoy will be issuing an environmental challenge to see which of the four houses at Hogwarts can cut their carbon footprints the most... WITHOUT USING MAGIC!!! Can Harry live up to his reputation as the boy wonder? Find out in Fall of 2011 in Harry Potter and the Energy-Efficient Sword of Light.
Please help us all if any of these come true....
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