Hello everyone, sorry for the delay. I was just out taking my recycling to the drop off point. But then I got there and realized that the city doesn't take recycling anymore so I was manually melting down and reforging my plastic bottles. You know, a typically Sunday afternoon.
So the IGR is meant to be a guide that the average everyday person can use to make the average everyday things they do just a little greener. So I started racking my brains trying to think of something that most people do. Then it hit me! A lot of people pick their noses! (Well it didn't literally hit me, that would be extremely gross)
Now, it's pretty obvious where I'm going with this one. With no practical snot-powered car on the market yet, snot has no real use to us. (You know, I'm 99% confident that GM was so close to unveiling the 2010 Chevy Mucus but scrapped it because of the bankruptcy filing. Darn you financial crisis!!) So snot's been a burden to us for as long as mankind has had noses. Think of all the trees that had to be cut down to make all those billions of tissues.
So it's clear by now that I'm implying that Green Tip #8 is to use tissues as little as possible. But what is the eco-friendly proboscis explorer to do instead? Here are a few suggestions:
1. Pick it and Flick it. I think you know what this means. Just remember a few guidelines for this one. Don't do it inside, unless you want boogers all over your bare feet. (Gross!) Don't do it when people are around, such as your spouse, your kids (don't set a bad example!), your boss, your mailman, your chiropractor, your parole officer, your ex-girlfriend or -boyfriend, your- actually, no, who cares with your ex. You're not trying to impress them or anything. Pick away when they're around!
2. If you Need to Blow, Use Dirty Clothes. Oh, come on, don't tell me you haven't thought of it. I mean, you're just going to wash them eventually, right? What's the harm with using it instead of a tissue?
3. The Ever Horrible Runny Nose. It's not uncommon to go through several boxes of tissues to ride out one of those pesky common colds. Here's what you do about that: STOP GETTING SICK! Haha, no I'm just kidding. You can't help it that you are a member of the Unclean Caste. But what you should do is find something else to stick up there. A good eco-friendly option is to shove leaves or grass up your proboscis. That'll keep everything from running down your face all the time. That and you get the added bonus of nobody wanting to sit or stand near you on the subway! Score one for more personal space!
Hope these tips help you out when those allergies flare up again this year. Just remember not to shove poison ivy leaves up there. I can't help you with that one...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Green Tip #7: Live Like a Miner
So many of the tips I've shared with you so far have been things that, well, haven't exactly been all that much fun to do. There are so many minor complications that I never thought of when I initially made the green tips. For example, one of the things that I didn't realize about hitchhiking is that many horror movies actually start out with a hitchhiker and end up with bloody, decapitated bodies hidden in some crazy guy's basement. So if anyone took my advice and hitchhiked to work only to be torn to pieces, you have my sincere apology. (Also, I'm still not liable! I swear! Don't sue me!)
It's because of those unfortunate side effects that I am excited to share my 7th Green Tip. This one will be AMAZINGLY fun. Well, ok, that's an exaggeration. (I'm not liable if you don't have fun). But if you were a child in the US in the 50's (as I was not) then you probably liked to play cowboy. My green tip for the day hearkens back to those older, more innocent times, before iPods and Twitter, before global warming and declining oil supplies, before atomic bombs and cold wars. Shoot, wait, no, there was atomic bombs and cold wars in the 50's. Maybe the 50's weren't so innocent. But it doesn't mean that a generation of kids didn't have fun pretending they were in the Wild Wild West.
Here's where the Green Tip #7 comes in. What else did the Wild West have other than cowboys? (this has nothing to do with saloons and prostitutes). It had miners! Sadly, most of Americans outside of West Virginia will never have the chance to live the life of a miner. Until now! And miners have headlamps! Imagine how much fun it would be to use a headlamp instead of all those pesky overhead lights. And if you think about it, you don't need to see anything other than what you're looking at, right? (Deep, I know) If the average monthly electric bill is $80 in Ohio and lighting makes up 10 to 20 percent of the electric bill, so that comes out to almost $200 a year you could be saving. Ha, I used statistics, so you can't argue with me now!
So yeah, go out and get yourself a headlamp and ditch all those lightbulbs you've got around your house. It'll also come in handy in case you need to build an underground fallout shelter to prepare for the next nuclear arms race.
Unrelated:
One of my readers suggested that I take questions. Since I want to share tips relevant to what you're interested in, feel free to ask away! Between every 10 tips, I'll take some time out to answer your questions. So between tips #9 and #10, I'll pick some of the better questions to answer. Get them in before then!
It's because of those unfortunate side effects that I am excited to share my 7th Green Tip. This one will be AMAZINGLY fun. Well, ok, that's an exaggeration. (I'm not liable if you don't have fun). But if you were a child in the US in the 50's (as I was not) then you probably liked to play cowboy. My green tip for the day hearkens back to those older, more innocent times, before iPods and Twitter, before global warming and declining oil supplies, before atomic bombs and cold wars. Shoot, wait, no, there was atomic bombs and cold wars in the 50's. Maybe the 50's weren't so innocent. But it doesn't mean that a generation of kids didn't have fun pretending they were in the Wild Wild West.
Here's where the Green Tip #7 comes in. What else did the Wild West have other than cowboys? (this has nothing to do with saloons and prostitutes). It had miners! Sadly, most of Americans outside of West Virginia will never have the chance to live the life of a miner. Until now! And miners have headlamps! Imagine how much fun it would be to use a headlamp instead of all those pesky overhead lights. And if you think about it, you don't need to see anything other than what you're looking at, right? (Deep, I know) If the average monthly electric bill is $80 in Ohio and lighting makes up 10 to 20 percent of the electric bill, so that comes out to almost $200 a year you could be saving. Ha, I used statistics, so you can't argue with me now!
So yeah, go out and get yourself a headlamp and ditch all those lightbulbs you've got around your house. It'll also come in handy in case you need to build an underground fallout shelter to prepare for the next nuclear arms race.
Unrelated:
One of my readers suggested that I take questions. Since I want to share tips relevant to what you're interested in, feel free to ask away! Between every 10 tips, I'll take some time out to answer your questions. So between tips #9 and #10, I'll pick some of the better questions to answer. Get them in before then!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Green Tip #6: Landfill Reduction, Part 1
Hey, everyone! How's your life going? Are you winning the war against global warming?? I know I sure am!
You might be wondering why I'm so chipper. Well, I'll tell you! I'm about to start a recurring segment, if you will. A big no-no in the green community is the concept of landfills. Although they have come a very long way since the ancient times when people threw buckets of garbage out their windows into the streets, they still aren't the ideal green solution. (I'm just assuming that people did, in fact throw buckets of garbage out their windows. Wikipedia can back me up.) So what is the green consumer to do, knowing that so much of what they purchase is ending up being buried and turned into parks and/or methane gas collecting fields?
Here's what they do: they listen to my Landfill Reduction Tips!
Landfill Reduction Tip #1 - Food waste
Many people wonder what to do with extra food they don't eat. As far as I see it, there are only three options.
1) Throw it into the garbage, where it will most likely break down in a landfill and produce methane gas, which, if the landfill is up to date, will be collected and used for commercial power.
2) Put it in the refrigerator, where it will most likely sit for a few weeks and grow mold. It will then have to be thrown away. This is similar to 1) except the refrigeration uses energy and just slows down the inevitable breaking down into methane.
3) Put it into a compost pile. Delicious garbage for worms and thus also birds. Useful for fertilizer to make crops grow stronger.
Based off these options, the choice is clear which is the greenest. None of them! Landfills are basically the devil, as evidenced by the anagram of "landfilling" - "Ill fin gland." And I don't know a single dolphin that will tell you that isn't a bad thing. So that eliminates the first two. And I don't know about you, but composting seems like a cop out. I mean really, who can't tell that composting is just a conspiracy by the pro-throwing-garbage-out-the-window lobbies in government? Composting is a huge step backwards.
But I can't just expose the problem without giving you a solution. Poke a small hole near the ceiling in one of the walls in your kitchen and start shoving your extra stuffing, popsicles, creamed corn, spoiled milk, Shrimp Tetrazzini, kosher dill pickles, red velvet cake, etc into that hole. As time goes on, that section of your kitchen wall will be stuffed full of a very green insulation. Repeat as necessary until your whole house has walls that are packed full. Just you wait and see how much your energy bill goes down!
You are probably skeptical how easy it all is, and I was too. But I did read it on Wikipedia, so I know it has to work!
You might be wondering why I'm so chipper. Well, I'll tell you! I'm about to start a recurring segment, if you will. A big no-no in the green community is the concept of landfills. Although they have come a very long way since the ancient times when people threw buckets of garbage out their windows into the streets, they still aren't the ideal green solution. (I'm just assuming that people did, in fact throw buckets of garbage out their windows. Wikipedia can back me up.) So what is the green consumer to do, knowing that so much of what they purchase is ending up being buried and turned into parks and/or methane gas collecting fields?
Here's what they do: they listen to my Landfill Reduction Tips!
Landfill Reduction Tip #1 - Food waste
Many people wonder what to do with extra food they don't eat. As far as I see it, there are only three options.
1) Throw it into the garbage, where it will most likely break down in a landfill and produce methane gas, which, if the landfill is up to date, will be collected and used for commercial power.
2) Put it in the refrigerator, where it will most likely sit for a few weeks and grow mold. It will then have to be thrown away. This is similar to 1) except the refrigeration uses energy and just slows down the inevitable breaking down into methane.
3) Put it into a compost pile. Delicious garbage for worms and thus also birds. Useful for fertilizer to make crops grow stronger.
Based off these options, the choice is clear which is the greenest. None of them! Landfills are basically the devil, as evidenced by the anagram of "landfilling" - "Ill fin gland." And I don't know a single dolphin that will tell you that isn't a bad thing. So that eliminates the first two. And I don't know about you, but composting seems like a cop out. I mean really, who can't tell that composting is just a conspiracy by the pro-throwing-garbage-out-the-window lobbies in government? Composting is a huge step backwards.
But I can't just expose the problem without giving you a solution. Poke a small hole near the ceiling in one of the walls in your kitchen and start shoving your extra stuffing, popsicles, creamed corn, spoiled milk, Shrimp Tetrazzini, kosher dill pickles, red velvet cake, etc into that hole. As time goes on, that section of your kitchen wall will be stuffed full of a very green insulation. Repeat as necessary until your whole house has walls that are packed full. Just you wait and see how much your energy bill goes down!
You are probably skeptical how easy it all is, and I was too. But I did read it on Wikipedia, so I know it has to work!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Green Tip #5: Clothing Optional
Hm... I've delayed putting off this tip because it is sort of an unusual one and may be a little uncomfortable for a lot of people. But I've thought about this from a lot of angles, and the green benefits of this one are very overwhelming and hard to ignore. So without further delays, here's my green tip #5:
Become a nudist.
Now, I know environmentalism and nudism already seem to go together in some ways. You might think of all those crazy eco-nuts who believe that everything man-made is the work of the devil. Polyester is made in factories and is therefore evil. Cotton, while naturally grown, still has to be processed and you know how evil multi-national companies take advantage of poor rural workers in Honduras and rape their culture. So cotton = evil. The eco-nuts' solution? Live in some community in the mountains away from the pervasive greed and sin of modern Western culture where clothing is optional and veganism is mandatory.
And while Gary, your environmentalist co-worker, is still raving about the summer he spent there in 2007, it's easy to dismiss the whole subculture as a bunch of crazy people you're not likely to interact with until the day you buy a leather jacket and get red paint thrown on you. But hold on, these organic soy milk drinking nudists may be on to something. Even if their dislike-bordering-on-paranoia of large textile corporations was developed because they smoked too much marijuana. Organic marijuana, naturally.
There are a few green benefits to being a nudist other than bringing down evil large companies. For example, think how much water you could save by never having to wash any clothes? Yes, it's true that you'd have to shower more often so people aren't as disgusted by your filthy exposed body. But I think there is a net gain in water saved.
Another benefit? During the summer, imagine not wearing any clothes. In all likelihood, you will be sweating much less because your skin will be allowed to breathe. This relates back to Green Tip #1. Do less work, less GHG's. (remember, those aren't baseball steroids) Similarly, sweating less means you'll need to drink less water and voila! You won't be contributing to the latest drought as much.
There you have it. A few easy to understand reasons why you could become a nudist to save the planet. But seriously Gary, just because I defended fat people in Green Tip #4, it doesn't mean you shouldn't lose a few pounds. Especially if you're going to be walking around the office naked.
Become a nudist.
Now, I know environmentalism and nudism already seem to go together in some ways. You might think of all those crazy eco-nuts who believe that everything man-made is the work of the devil. Polyester is made in factories and is therefore evil. Cotton, while naturally grown, still has to be processed and you know how evil multi-national companies take advantage of poor rural workers in Honduras and rape their culture. So cotton = evil. The eco-nuts' solution? Live in some community in the mountains away from the pervasive greed and sin of modern Western culture where clothing is optional and veganism is mandatory.
And while Gary, your environmentalist co-worker, is still raving about the summer he spent there in 2007, it's easy to dismiss the whole subculture as a bunch of crazy people you're not likely to interact with until the day you buy a leather jacket and get red paint thrown on you. But hold on, these organic soy milk drinking nudists may be on to something. Even if their dislike-bordering-on-paranoia of large textile corporations was developed because they smoked too much marijuana. Organic marijuana, naturally.
There are a few green benefits to being a nudist other than bringing down evil large companies. For example, think how much water you could save by never having to wash any clothes? Yes, it's true that you'd have to shower more often so people aren't as disgusted by your filthy exposed body. But I think there is a net gain in water saved.
Another benefit? During the summer, imagine not wearing any clothes. In all likelihood, you will be sweating much less because your skin will be allowed to breathe. This relates back to Green Tip #1. Do less work, less GHG's. (remember, those aren't baseball steroids) Similarly, sweating less means you'll need to drink less water and voila! You won't be contributing to the latest drought as much.
There you have it. A few easy to understand reasons why you could become a nudist to save the planet. But seriously Gary, just because I defended fat people in Green Tip #4, it doesn't mean you shouldn't lose a few pounds. Especially if you're going to be walking around the office naked.
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