Green Tip #16: Direct Airline Travel

I'm currently running on borrowed Internet here (following my own advice!) so this will just be a Green Quick Tip. A lot of the time, you hear about people that want offset the carbon that they create when they fly by purchasing carbon credits. That's alright, I guess, but let me suggest one even better. If you were to fly from two major cities, let's say Detroit to New York, there isn't much of a problem going from airport to airport. But what if you want to fly from Detroit to Birdsall, New York (population 268), you would have to fly to the Buffalo airport (assuming you can fly from Detroit to Buffalo without layovers) and drive to Birdsall. And assuming that you are driving anything less fuel efficient than an electric car, your carbon footprint will be huge!

Instead, I propose that airlines provide direct to destination flights via parachuting to your destination. So instead of flying into Buffalo and driving, you could take the Detroit to New York City flight and just hop out when you need to get off.

Now if only there were a way for the plane to pick you up on the way back.... I guess I forgot to figure that part out...

Green Tip #15: Be Careful of Everything

Well everyone, I think that you've had just a little bit too much time off between Green Tips and I just won't have that anymore. I mean, a week in between Green Tips is enough time for you to rediscover your self esteem. And if there's one thing that I've learned it's that the major force that drove the Green Movement in the past few years is fear that what you're doing is directly destroying any hope that your children will live in a world where they can breathe clean air and drink pure water. And if you think about it, this Green Movement and the one that occurred toward the end of the 1970's in the US (around the time of President Carter) happened when people were living with a lot of fear. The Vietnam War was wrapping up back then and we have terrorists and Iraq today. So me scaring you is good for the environment, as it makes you realize just how horrible of a person you truly are deep down inside.

So, before I get down from my soap box, let me just say one last thing. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS RUINING THE ENVIRONMENT! EVERY TIME YOU GET IN YOUR CAR OR TURN ON A LIGHT, IT'S JUST LIKE YOU SLIPPED SOME DATE RAPE DRUGS INTO MOTHER NATURE'S DRINK AND ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER!

Sorry about that. I know it was a little harsh. But sometimes I just have to say things like that to get through to people. But seriously. No, like, seriously seriously. For the first time since I started this, here's a legit Green Tip: Don't fall for supposedly "Green" products and services. A lot of marketing dollars have been put into making sure that products look greener than they are. They know better than anyone that, whether it's a fad or not, we're in the middle of a Green Movement and people will spend their money to be more environmentally friendly. And a lot of times they will try to scare you with doomsday scenarios to sell their products. Don't fall for these things! Just as with all products you buy, you need to make sure that you know the details. Take a look at this article, which talks about some green scams in recent years.

Green Scams

Be vigilant. Every time a scam like this works, it hurts the legitimacy of all the products made by people and companies that truly want to do the right thing. I know you're smarter than that. Do your homework.

Alright, the blog post is done, now stop using your computer you selfish Brown* person! Every kilowatt of electricity that you use is like another punch to Mother Nature's kidneys!

*Brown as in not Green. Please don't mistake what I'm saying, NAACP! I respect very much the contributions that African-Americans have done for society!

Not a Green Tip #1: "Going Brown"

Someone once said, “Change is the flower that blossoms from the seed of discontent.” While I can hardly say that there is any discontent when it comes to The Impractical Green Resource, I do agree that Change is very much like a flower; both in that it is not the same in winter and the summer and that if you try to pluck Change it will wither and die. (Don’t worry about trying to understand the metaphor. It isn’t a prerequisite for understanding the message of this post. Also, for those of you who are especially astute, you’ve by now found out that it was in fact I that said that quote at the beginning. So yes, at the time I was lying by saying that someone had said it. But by the time you read it, someone (me) did once say it. Or “say” it would be more appropriate. The words never came out of my lips. I mean, I’m just arguing semantics at this point. But yeah, this is getting almost absurdly philosophical.)

Sorry, digressing again. I should have that looked at. What I was getting at was that everyone once in a while, people just need a change in their lives. Or in the blogs that they read. What if the blogs that they read are their lives? I guess that’s kind of sad. So anyway I figured that all of you must be so tired out from trying to put all 14 Green Tips into effect in your lives. I’ll give you a week to catch your metaphorical environmentally friendly breaths. Instead I’ll just share a new term that I came up with.

Even though at the time I would hardly admit that I enjoyed the “Know Your Planet, Know Yourself” Green Retreat that Gary (my Eco-Nerd co-worker) dragged me on 5 years ago. But now that I am a professional Green Blogger (card carrying member!) I have to admit that I did pick up a useful concept from that sometime between the trust falls and the drum circle. And that concept was that everything in nature has a balance that must be preserved. Think the Yin and the Yang. Or the Sun and the Moon. Good and Evil. Peanut Butter and Jelly.

This got me thinking. First that I wanted a PB & J sandwich. Once that was taken care of, I then thought that there are just some terms that don’t exist yet in the English language that should. For example, you can say that a piece of fruit is ripe, but what do you call it if it is not yet ripe? “Unripe?” “Not yet ripe?” There really isn’t a good word for that. Webster, get working on that before the next edition of the dictionary comes out.

But also, there’s no word for something that is not Green. “Environmentally Unfriendly” just doesn’t cut it. So I propose that people start using the word “Brown” to describe something that isn’t Green. For example:

You: Hey man, is that a new Hummer?
Friend: Yeah, I just got it!
You: Oh, it’s really Brown.
Friend: No, it isn’t. It’s black.
You: No, no, I just meant that it’s not Green.
Friend: Of course it’s not green! It’s black! Can’t you see it??

At which point you and your friend would get into an Abbot and Costello “Who’s on First” routine. Hilarious, right?!

Anyway, you get the point. Use the term Brown. But use it carefully until it’s popular, so as not to offend certain minorities and UPS workers.

Green Tip #14: Shop at Wal Mart

Boooooo! Hisssss! I can already hear the hate mail coming in just based on the title of this Green Tip. Wal Mart falls somewhere between the sixth and seventh circle of hell if you ask any environmentalist. In fact, according to Gary, the environmentalist coworker, the only thing worse than Wal Mart is a Hummer parked in a Wal Mart parking lot. Stupid Hummers....

But I digress. I'm actually lying about the hate mail coming in. I don't actually have an address. I can explain why later. And I don't have an e-mail address to get hate mail for related reasons. So I'm mostly just imagining your hate mail coming at me. If you yell loud enough at your computer, I may be able to hear it.

I apologize. I digressed again. I should explain why it is that shopping at Wal Mart is an environmentally friendly lifestyle to live. When you go to a fancy designer store (by fancy I mean everything at or above Target's level of fanciness) you get plastic bags that are a little bit more sturdy to carry your random crap home in. But when you go to Wal Mart, you get the cheapest, flimsiest bags to carry your random even crappier crap home in. Guess what?! Those really crappy plastic bags that Wal Mart uses are made of High Density Polyethylene, which in less nerdy terms is #2 plastic, which in even less nerdy terms is cheap, easily recycled plastic. But those high end stores (Target, for example) use plastic bags that have higher numbers, and most places will not recycle them. So make sure you go to Wal Mart. But only if you recycle those plastic bags! Consider recycling them pennance for all of the other environmental sins you commit by shopping at Wal Mart otherwise.

Green Tip #13: Revise Your Financial Position

Now, I hate to brag about how awesome I am, but I have got a good sound Green Tip for you today that was inspired by how awesome I am. Financially speaking, I mean. Well, not anymore. You see, I was just minding my own business, checking my mail, and I started to notice that I had gotten WAY too many credit card applications. So then I started to realize that if I had a worse credit rating, I wouldn't be getting all these things in the mail. And I wouldn't be wasting all these trees just to throw away all these credit card applications. So Green Tip #13 is this: do whatever it takes to destroy your credit rating.

But wait! It gets better! With a really bad credit rating, you'll probably start getting turned down for loans. With the crippling realization that you'll soon have to make the choice between paying for food or paying for your kid to keep going to that fancy private college, you'll start hitting the bottle pretty hard. Well, as that always turns out, you'll end up missing a lot of days of work due to being hung over.

That's great! Why, you say? Because once you get fired from your job, you won't have to use up gas to drive to work every day. Way to go, cutting down those carbon emissions! And, as this Green Tip continues to snowball, they will soon cut off your electricity (yay!) and gas (go green!) and foreclose your house. And let me ask you this: which uses more energy, running the A/C in your house or running the A/C in your car that you're living out of? Exactly. Once you start living out of your car and begging your kid to let you stay with him or her in their fancy dorm room, you'll truly be living an environmentally friendly life.

I love Recessions!

Green Tip #12: Run Red Lights

Think back, way back to when I first starting posting fun and informative Green Tips for everyone. Do you remember that first day when I explained that some of the Green Tips might be unethical or even worse... illegal (gasp!)? Sorry to say it, but this is one's going to be a big no no when it comes things you shouldn't do if the cops are around. (That would be kind of an interesting blog, by the way if you feel so inspired)

Green Tip #12 was brought to my attention earlier today when I was driving my car. (the Amish kicked me out. It was me or the electric toothbrush, they said.) But anyway, I was driving my car and I noticed the electronic thing that tracked my miles per gallon. Now, for the longest time, I thought that it was just the speedometer and it was just on the fritz. I mean, I had the peddle on the floor and I could never get about 9 or 10 miles per hour! I'm so glad that I figured out what that's for, it'll save me a lot of speeding tickets in the future!

Which brings me to my next point. In place of speeding tickets, I'll probably be getting a lot of tickets for running red lights and stop signs. Because Green Tip #12 is to never stop your car FOR ANYTHING. Unless of course you get where you're going. Then you're free to stop your car all you want. In fact, your friend who's house you're visiting would probably appreciate that.

But seriously. Don't stop. While sitting at a red light, I noticed my miles per gallon were at 0. That's almost as bad as a Hummer. So just as though you should be prepared to explain to the cops how robots will someday take over the world, (go back and read older posts. It's in there somewhere) you need to be ready to explain to cops why it is that you ran 12 red lights in a row.

Special tip: cops are more likely to write you off as just another crazy environmentalist that probably doesn't understand traffic laws anyway if you DON'T drive a Hummer. Seriously, lose the Hummer...

Green Tip #11: Live on an Island

This Green Tip is one that will require some explaining, so I’m not going to waste time setting it up with irrelevant stories about my life or current events. Green Tip #11 is to go live on an island. It doesn’t matter which one. Or where it’s at. It could be in saltwater or freshwater. It could be in an ocean or a lake. It could even be in the middle of a river. That’s not important. The only thing that makes a difference is the size of the island. Smaller is better. You won’t be doing the environment any favors by living in Australia. Actually it would be worse to live down under just because of all the AC costs. But that’s a different story for a different blog. A blog that would probably end up insulting many countries and/or ethnic groups. And will therefore never be written.

But yeah, back to the island. You’re probably thinking that living on an island is almost the opposite of being a responsible environmentalist. Getting power to an island would be a pain with all the extra underwater power lines. Food and fresh water would have to be shipped to you via boats or airplanes and that would put a big strain on the environment. Not to mention that if you wanted to travel to see someone or you want to have guests, you’d have to fly them in. So this idea may not seem that great. Hold on for just one minute, though.

If you’ve seen as many movies as I have, you’ll know that there is no better way to drive yourself crazy than to live by yourself on an island for a few years. And let me ask you this: how many crazy island people do you see listening to iPods or playing on their laptops? I mean, they don’t even have iPods on ‘Lost’ and they’ve got everything. Including polar bears. An every good environmentalist knows that bad environmental policies kill polar bears, so you know they’re doing something right on that island. (Side note, does anyone else see the Smoke Monster on that show as a metaphor for Global Warming? I mean, it looks like what burning fossil fuels looks like. And it kills people.)

So yeah, I think ‘Lost’ just about proves everything. Live on an island and you’ll cut down your carbon footprint. Oh, living in a jungle works too. I mean, Robin Williams in Jumanji didn’t have an iPod either. Think about that for a while.

Green Tip #10: Steal!

As I mentioned in one of my earlier Green Tips, writing pointless reports insulting fat people uses a whole lot of energy to power the computers, lights, AC/heating and microwaves used to heat up a Hot Pocket or a bowl of Ramen Noodles during a long night of "research." Well, after a very deep session of soul-searching, I've come to the conclusion that my writing extensive blog posts falls into somewhat the same category. (Minus the Ramen, blech!) All of the time that it takes me to think of good quality Green Tips burns an average of 14 lbs of coal* to power my laptop.

So instead, I choose just to share with you this news story that was referred to me. In esscence, Green Tip #10 is to borrow someone elses ideas. Remember, you're better off doing it this way, because they're obviously smarter than you if they thought of it first.

Here you go! Video courtesy of the Onion News Network and AOL (please don't sue, I just waived my university's legal fees for the semester!)

A note: This technique can be used to save time writing papers and/or master's thesises... theses... thesi? But remember the most important rule: it's not plagarism if you put quotes around it and cite your work at the end.

Another note: Combining this with Green Tip #2 and you're skating on thin ice. Veeeery thin ice...

Yet another note: Taco Bell in this case can be subsituted with Ramen noodles, which also contain no natural ingredients. Although really, can't you just pony up the extra 60 cents for Taco Bell?

*source: my extensive "research"

Unrelated: I'm going to try really hard to stick to a Tuesday/Friday schedule for updating new Green Tips. Don't hold me to it, though. I don't want to share bad tips with you all and I'm not exactly inspired on a fixed schedule.

Green Tip #9: Harnessing the Power of Independence

Hey everyone! So sorry for the inexcusably long delay between posts. The new life the Witness Protection Program set up for me is out in Amish country, so you can imagine that access to the Internet is somewhat limited. I had to sneak out and ride my horse and buggy over 20 miles to the nearest Starbucks so I could use their free wireless. I'm currently rigging up a potato powered modem and router system that I can operate out of my farm, though, so the posts will be slightly more frequent from here on out. The good news now, though, is that my carbon footprint is next to nothing! I'm still working on getting my cows to burp and fart less methane though. That's a real killer when it comes to greenhouse gases.

(For those of you laughing right now, you think I'm kidding, right? Read this. Not so funny now, is it? Honestly, yeah, it's still kinda funny.)

Sorry, you probably didn't wait over two weeks just to hear me ramble on about my life. You came for the newest green tip! Call me topical, but the upcoming holiday (Independence Day in the US; Good Idea Guys! Day in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, India, South Africa, portions of the rest of Africa, parts of the Middle East and various other islands around the world; and I Think This Could Be The Start Of A Really Bad Trend For Our Overseas Colonies Day in the UK) got me thinking of ways to be more green on the 4th.

For example, sparklers. Fun right? I guess so, but all that light and heat is such a waste of stored chemical energy. Now I'm no tyrant and saying that you can't play with sparklers because they waste energy. I'm saying you should just play with them underneath a boiler attached to a steam-powered turbine. If enough of you have sparklers lit under the boiler the heat will turn the water into steam which will put some of that energy back into the power grid. Simple, right?

Also, I know many of you will be grilling during the holidays. And as much as I, as an environmentalist, hate coal and charcoal, I have to concede that a solar powered grill is just plain unpatriotic. This is one time of the year that I advocate firing up the barbecue. But I do have an issue with grilling. And the issue is with grilling poor, defenseless, innocent cows and pigs.

You should be grilling more of them. Think about it. Cows, pigs, horses, etc. breathe in oxygen and out carbon dioxide. Corn, peppers, carrots, soy-based tofu and other veggies you grill breathe in carbon dioxide and out oxygen. So if you harvest up all those green things and leave all the cows to wander around and burp and fart. So keep the green things out there to suck up all the CO2 and send the cows to the slaughterhouse. It's a delicious, delicious way to save the environment.

As a parting bit of wisdom, just remember that while Patriotism doesn't fuel our cars, Misguided Patriotism does get us to invade countries that have oil. And that fuels cars.