Green Tip #82: Give Darwin a Hand

Bleeechh!!! That is not something you want to see right after eating breakfast. I mean, just look at it! It's hideous! And it's the subject of the 82nd Green Tip.

Let me back up a bit and explain. But first, a disclaimer. I have nothing but the utmost respect for those who are here in this country that have Asian ancestry. The contributions that you have made to science and medicine and art and the Houston Rockets and mathematics are truly commendable. I mean no disrespect when I write the rest of this entry.

But if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that the one time that it's okay to be racist is with fish. That hideous monstrosity that you see near the top of your screen is none other than the asian carp. And those of you following the news know that the asian carp is one of the biggest threats facing the Great Lakes area (other than staggering economies and high unemployment rates).

While most people that look at the picture would assume that they are looking at a screen shot from some horrible 1950's B-movie, do not be deceived. This is no special effects or make up. This is an actual fish! A fish that swam up the Mississippi River and is threatening to come into the Great Lakes.

You know what, New Orleans?? I've about had enough. I know you're still recovering from hurricanes, but first you let gambling and casinos swim upstream and invade Ohio last November and now asian carp?? Come on!

Anyway, the reason these Chernobyl rejects are so bad for the environment is that they gobble up all the food in an ecosystem, thus killing off all the other fish that are useful for the Great Lakes fishing industry (and not ugly). There has been a lot of debate about what kind of lengths need to be used to get rid of these truculent troglodytes.

Well, the point of this Green Tip isn't to debate different methods of keeping them out of our lakes. The point is to tell you that sometimes Darwin needs a helping hand. Clearly evolution was taking a vacation when they decided to let this misshapen miscreation slip through the cracks. I mean, what's up with its eyes??? Did they sit out in the sun too long and are starting to melt?

All environmental issues aside, this hideous hellion needs to be stopped because of its looks. So let's do what Americans do best: exile the foreigners that don't look like the rest of us.

Green Tip #81: More on Shower Use

I feel like I'm almost getting to the point where I'm afraid I'm micromanaging your life. I feel like a good portion of these Green Tips have been about how you should shower and how often you should do it. Thinking back, I've already posted three tips about how you should (or should not) shower or whether you should pee in the shower or not.

Green Tip #19
Green Tip #24
Green Tip #42

Well, I'm not done yet. If you choose to ignore the first one and still continue to take showers, this tip is for you. I was washing my sheets the other day and I realized that my pillowcase had gotten quite dirty. "Eureka!" I thought. "Here's an opportunity for a Green Tip! What if I only took showers at night! Because then my hair would be clean while I'm sleeping and I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning my pillowcase as often!"

But then I woke up the next morning and realized that my good idea was maybe not the best idea. If I didn't take a shower in the morning, I would just end up being too dirty and getting my clothes so gross that I'd have to wash them more often. And that would put me back where I started.

So just as I do all the time on here, I've come up with a compromise. Take two showers a day! I know that sounds counter-productive, but if you take two half showers a day, it comes out to one full shower. So Green Tip #81 is to wash your hair at night and wash your body in the morning. That will save you from washing your clothes and from washing your pillowcase more than you have to!

So have fun and try to keep all those rules straight if you can!

Green Tip #80: Go to the Library

Haha, talk about the two extremes! Now that you've sobered up from your night out at the bar, I think it's time to head over to the library. But I want to warn you, I think the virus of practicality is continuing to infect the Impractical Green Resource. So I'm going to give you a bonus. First I'll give you a practical green tip followed by what I think you came here for: an Impractical Green Tip. Specifically Green Tip #80.

Something that I'm actually really really surprised that I haven't seen is the suggestion that you should use the library to cut back on your environmental footprint. I've looked at plenty of green tip lists and websites (so I know what themes to play off of and make fun of) and I'm surprised that I have never seen anyone say that going to the library is the way to go. I mean, think about it. I'm not crazy for thinking that it's a waste of paper to buy a book that you'll probably never read again, am I? Go dig out that library card that you might not have seen in 10 years and go crazy. I mean go crazy in a quiet way that won't disturb everyone else in the library, of course...

But this makes way too much sense to be placed within the ranks of the profoundly ground breaking yet environmentally conscious 78 Green Tips that have come before this one. (I'm not counting Green Tip #75). No, I want to share with you Green Tip #80: Go to the Same Library.

Wow. I know, so profound, right? You're probably thinking to yourself that I've finally gotten to the point where I've run out of ideas and I'm just circling the drain at this point. Well I'm here to tell you that you're way off. I ran out of ideas back at Green Tip #11 and I'm still going strong 69 Green Tips later.

So let me explain about this going to the same library thing. If you live in a large metropolitan area (such as Cleveland or Nepal or anywhere but California), you probably have your choice of multiple libraries to go to. Sometimes it can be hard to chose which one to go to. While I really don't care how you choose your favorite library (I'd go with the closest one and save gas) but just stick with it. If you start borrowing books and movies from one library and take them back to another, someone has to drive those books and movies from one library to the other one. And that wastes gas. And time out of the librarians' schedules. (Not so much of an environmental benefit but a common courtesy.)

Enjoy yourself! Just don't spend so much time reading library books that you don't have time to read the IGR on Friday!

Green Tip #79: Hit the Bars

Do you ever have one of those moments where you realize just how unusual a certain part of life has become? Even though I've been writing the IGR for about 10 months now, I don't think I realized just how much it has warped my thinking about certain subjects. Just a few days ago and I had a really good idea for a Green Tip. But what happened was that I was actually afraid that my Green Tip was too practical to be put into the Impractical Green Resource.

Too practical??? What's happened to me? I have a good idea that will help the environment and I'm afraid to share it with you because it makes too much sense? Well no more I say! It's time to break the cycle and actually share with you a Green Tip that might actually be practical!

So I was recently inspired by a certain recent holiday that has a lot to do with going green but little to do with the environment. Or so I thought. I've always been a bit critical of a holiday that encourages people to search for four-leaf clovers and rip them out of the ground. Clovers are plants too! Leave them in the dirt where they belong!

But on Wednesday while I was driving past bar after bar and seeing all the cars that were in the parking lots, I suddenly saw a whole new side to St. Patty's Day. And environmental side! It seems from my experience that it's more or less impossible to get people to carpool or take public transportation. You just mention buses in this country and people immediately conjure up images of poor people and having to deal with a rigid schedule and the risk that there will be a bomb attached to the bottom of the bus that will explode if the bus drives slower than 50 miles per hour. Needless to say, Hollywood hasn't helped improve this image of buses and public transportation. Just look at what they've done with such movies as Taxi Driver (1976), Collateral (2004), Rain Man (1988) or Spider-Man 2 (2004).

But one (at least one) holiday a year, people find something inside themselves that makes them change their views on public transportation. And that something is alcohol. People have no reservations about riding a party bus all around town. These same people that want to ride the bus around town all night with a bunch of drunk people would never think of riding the bus around town all day with a bunch of drunk people.

Which brings me to my next point. Putting party before anything makes it much more fun. Party bus > city bus. Party City > Circuit City (who went bankrupt). Party in the USA (Miley Cyrus) > Born in the USA (Bruce Springsteen). Well, the jury's still out on the last one. You still haven't gotten back to me about that celebrity endorsement, Miley!

So next time your friends make you the designated driver, don't be upset about it. Just think of it as an opportunity to finally be able to get them to start carpooling like you are always bothering them about.

Great news everyone!!! And by great news I mean somewhat mediocre news. I was playing with the settings for this blog and I got it so now you can post a comment right on here without having a Google account! So go crazy! Post those comments!

Oh, and I came across that Al Gore thing on the right and thought it was fun, so I stuck that on there :-P

Green Tip #78: Move to Cleveland

So this entry was inspired by my vacation last week as well (again, another example of how vacations can be good influences for your blog!) As I was driving through Cleveland, Ohio, I started thinking about the city and it's long and interesting history. And while I do admit that some of the things that have happened have not been the most positive, I do believe that the impact of this Green Tip will start turning things around.

I'm going to tell this story from two points of view. The first will be from the point of view of history and what most people believe happened. The second will be from the point of view of myself with the somewhat jaded lens of environmental optimism that I like to take when creating the Impractical Green Resource.

So, Cleveland was founded sometime between 1492 and 1950 where the Cuyahoga River meets the shores of Lake Erie. Cleveland was known right away as a very progressive city. In a time when other people in the USA were killing and enslaving the local people, Cleveland was began the groundbreaking tradition of drafting them into local sports teams. Instead of killing Native Americans, they formed a baseball team. And the French soldiers that were captured in the area formed one of the earliest basketball teams. And finally the former slaves in the area formed the first professional football team.

Cleveland grew very quickly and soon blossomed from a rose to a chrysanthemum and became known as a leader in manufacturing and steel production. But with that rapid growth came horrible fiery growing pains. Cleveland was no longer a young teenager full of energy, it had become a mature woman going through menopause with the hot flashes coming in the form of the Cuyahoga River catching fire. Nine times over the course of 100 years between the 1860's and 1960's.

Yikes.

Cleveland became the laughing stock of the country in the '60s (1960's, of course) due to the extreme levels of pollution in the river. But the pain didn't stop there. Mother Nature, to punish the citizens of Cleveland, cursed the once legendary sports teams. Legend says that no Cleveland sports team will ever win a championship until the Cuyahoga River has been cleansed.

Well, to make things worse, the 70's and 80's rolled around and industry started failing in the Rust Belt and many Clevelanders became unemployed. The city they once called "The Crown Jewel of the Great Lakes" is now nothing more than a shell of what it once was. So while many people may be quick to ridicule "The Mistake on the Lake" I like to see things in a slightly different way.

Back in the day (let's just say Tuesday), the fine citizens of Cleveland decided that the United States wasn't doing enough to protect the environment. They approached Congress, but let's face it, who's going to listen to a bunch of corn-fed hicks? So even though people from Cleveland tried to make things better by talking, sometimes it's better to do something flashy. Like set a river on fire.

Who's ignoring who now??

Well, because of the fire, the Congress passed the Clean Water Act in 1972. But clean water wasn't enough for the environmentally conscious citizens of Cleveland. They realized that air pollution was a problem well before many people knew of the dangers. That's why they chose to let the heavy industry move away from the city. Steel plants and heavy manufacturing are known for being bad for air pollution. So Cleveland was just way ahead of the game to kick them out early. Let China deal with the pollution.

Anyway, the long and the short of it all is that Cleveland knows what's going on. Green Tip #78 is to Move to Cleveland. And it shouldn't be that far of a move, considering that you all should be in Ohio anyway.

Green Tip #77: Stop Using Drugs

Yay! I'm back from vacation! Let me tell you, the best cure for writer's block is just to take a week off. I swear, I had some good ideas for Green Tips an hour after I posted the entry on Friday and I was so mad I'd have to hang on to the ideas for an entire week. So without further ado, let me finish dusting off my keyboard and let's go!

Today's Green Tip is one that you may have heard before from environmentalists. But this one is kind of like Green Tip #19: Cut Down on Shower Use. While there may be very obvious environmental benefits from doing it (saving water), The Impractical Green Resource isn't about doing what's obvious. It's about looking deeper, below the oily skin of environmental issues to the environmental subcutaneous adipose layer of humorous solutions to those issues. You see, it isn't until you get down below the papillary region, composed of loose areolar connective tissue, that you see the solution is made of cell types such as fibroblasts, macrophages and adipocytes. You know, in an environmentally metaphoric way.

Obscure and irrelevant metaphors aside, I think this overly medical metaphor for the environmental problems we face leads very well into Green Tip #77. Stop Using Drugs. No, I don't mean you need to stop smoking pot. After all, marijuana turns carbon dioxide into oxygen just like every other plant. No, I'm talking about FDA approved drugs like the ones you get from drugstores and pharmacies and Wal-Mart and that guy that stands outside the public library downtown who's always talking on his bluetooth. At least I think he's on his bluetooth. He's always talking to someone, but I never see a phone in his hand...

Anyway, the argument that many hippies has is that drugs like that are all synthetically made and could be bad for the water system if we dispose of them and they get into water works. I don't care about all that stuff. I've been to Cleveland during the 80's. I know we're putting much, much worse stuff in the water than Aspirin.

No, I'm more worried about the bureaucracy of the drug industry. Grab the nearest magazine to you. I'll wait a second.






Okay, got it? Now I can't vouch for every magazine that exists in the world, but if it's a popular one, you can probably find at least a few ads for drugs in there. If you've got an AARP magazine or a golf magazine, you've probably got some Lipitor ads in there. Good Housekeeping or Woman's Day? Most likely Boniva. Seventeen? Probably Prozac or Alli. Playboy or Maxim? Um... most likely Viagra. But you get the point. There are brand name drugs for just about every gender, race, age group, lifestyle, hair color, whatever. I'm not complaining about this. It is keeping my girlfriend employed, after all.

No, what bothers me about drugs is right in front of you. What's the one thing you notice about all the drug ads in magazines? Here's a hint: flip the page. The FDA mandates that drug ads have to be obscenely detailed and list every possible thing about the drug. Think of how much paper is wasted every year just from all those stupid warnings and side effects! I mean, what if every ad for McDonald's had to feature a 2 page write up of all the health complications you could get from eating a Big Mac? (Read more here if you're really really bored. I mean curious.)

And what about the drug commercials on TV? It seems like the normal 30 second drug ad only has time to say the name of the drug and then they list side effects for 28 seconds. Either that or they go all out and buy a minute long ad. Maybe I need some Ritalin or something, but I don't have the patience to sit through something like that. Think of all the electricity that's wasted every day just on drug ads.

So I guess I'm not saying don't take drugs at all. After all, there are generics that *SPOILER ALERT* are exactly the same as brand name drugs (and cost 1/10 of the price). If we only buy generics that don't advertise, we could save countless trees and electricity. So do your part for the environment and do the American thing (go with the really cheap option). Mother Nature will thank you.

Hey everyone! I'm going to be skipping the next two days because I'll be busy with Spring Break! I know all of your hearts will be broken, but if you absolutely need your fix of Green Tips, why don't you check out these classic entries that you may have missed?

Green Tip #1
Green Tip #6
Green Tip #19
Green Tip #23
Green Tip #29

Have fun! Be safe!

Green Tip #76: Don't Drive a Prius

Ugh... It almost hurts me to have to write this entry. But there comes a time when some things need to be said and some statements that have previously been made need to be reversed. I'm not saying that I was wrong before. Circumstances change and I couldn't call myself environmentally responsible if I let my pride stand in the way of doing what's best for nature. And so while I've never exactly posted a Green Tip that expressly endorsed driving a Prius, the tone I've taken and my endorsement of fuel efficient cars means that I've taken a fairly pro-Prius stand.

Anyway, it is with a heavy heart that I tell you Green Tip #76: Don't Drive a Prius. I know. It hurts just to read it. Who would've ever thought that I, who would recommend taking out the light bulb in the fridge because it creates too much heat, would tell you not to drive a car that has solar panels powering the air conditioning. But recent events have made driving a Prius just too much of an environmental risk.

In case you haven't heard, Toyota recently recalled a whole bunch of cars because the gas pedals have been sticking. In the pressed down position. As in, you'll soon be going 100 or more miles per hour on your 25 miles per hours residential street. And while I understand that the loss of human life is certainly something to be concerned about, I think we all have to consider what sort of environmental damage this gas pedal thing is causing.

Based on my exhaustive research into the Prius based largely on me glancing at the Wikipedia page, I was able to figure out that the third generation Prius gets around 50 miles to the gallon. That's amazingly good! But when they come up with those numbers, they're basing it off driving at normal speeds, not 100 mph speeds. Based on my slightly more in depth research, it looks like the Prius's gas mileage drops to below 20 once you get over 100 mph. And while that's still twice as good as a certain car that's now made in China that I'm not talking about anymore, that's pretty bad in the grand scheme of things.

So next time you're thinking about hopping in that Prius of yours, think twice about pushing down that gas pedal. Don't forget that you can actually get places from coasting and idling. So until that gas pedal thing gets fixed, I'd recommend parking on a steep hill to get you going.