I've gotten a few questions so far about whether I get my ideas for the IGR from other sources or if I make them up. The answer is that, so far, I've been making them up, using my experiences with green consulting to know what is particularly ridiculous and funny to tell you about. But once in a great while I will run across something that is so crazy, so unimaginable and so... politically incorrect that I just have to share it with all of you.
According to an article on CNN, one of the causes of global warming is, and I'm not making this up:
Being Fat
Yes, it's true, fat people have now become even more of a blight on our society than ever before (CNN's words, not mine). Not only do they have to suffer through the embaressment of having to buy two plane tickets because their colossal carcasses can't squeeze into the tiny airplane seats, they also have to ride the entire flight knowing that all the binge eating they did as a teenager to cope with the emotional pain of being molested by Uncle Hector is weighing down the plane and burning through precious fuels. Yeah, that's great for self-esteem.
Let me delve further into this article. Who in their right minds at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine authorized spending TIME and MONEY on a study that the results could have been assumed?? I don't need a study to show that it takes more fuel to move a heavier object (or person). That's because I HAVE A BRAIN and understand simple concepts. And I bet that they wrote the study on their computers in between posting on the World of Warcraft message boards and flaming noobs that think that the new Star Trek movie looks "AWESOME" even though it's not like the old series. What I'm trying to say is that those hack-job Brit "scientists" probably worked on the study on their computers. And used ENERGY to do it. Way to go, guys, burn through MORE fossil fuels, please. I really appreciate it.
You know, I'm going to go back on my Green Tip #4. Here's the real Green Tip #4: Don't Waste Our Earth's Resources Writing Obvious and Worthless Studies That Only Serve To Destroy The Self Esteem Of An Already Emotionally Fragile Portion Of Our Society.
Now if you don't mind I'm going to go cope with my rage by eating a quart of Ben and Jerry's.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Green Tip #3: Imported Lighting
As most people in the world will know by know, outsourcing is something that is being used more and more by companies. In case you are one of 0.1% of the world's population that hasn't been affected by outsourcing in one way or another (sorry North Korea, you're just holding yourself back at this point), outsourcing is a company that says something like "hey, I'm a car company, I should be making cars, not worrying about making screws. I'll have some Chinese company make screws for me." And for the last few decades, that has worked really well for companies. (Until the car company goes bankrupt and is eventually bought out by the Chinese screw company)
So typically in the US and Europe and other richer companies lose quite a few jobs to these other countries. And while it is true we do like those fun little toys that go in our kids' Happy Meals, I think many people in this country will agree that China and India sort of owe us something for all those jobs we've given them. And I know exactly what you're thinking: "Seriously, when is he getting to the green tip of the day?" Oh really? Is that what you're thinking? I'm so sorry, I got so carried away with the whole China thing.
Green stuff, right! Right now, as I write this, I look outside my window and I can't see anything. That's because it's night and I need electricity to be able to see stuff that's going on in my apartment. But meanwhile, guess what's happening in China? They're probably out there sunbathing, those lucky job-stealing screw makers. Sorry, car makers by now.
Here's what I propose. Instead of us wasting our precious energy to light up our houses, how about we set up a large series of mirror that encircle the globe and direct sunlight across the Pacific Ocean to us here in the US during our nighttime. We can have sunlight 24 hours a day! Ah, think how nice it will be not to even need headlights on our cars or have to deal with those know-it-all astronomers who want our tax dollars to study space dust.
Oh what a glorious world we'll live in. Wait, shoot... we already outsourced all of our mirror makers to China.
So typically in the US and Europe and other richer companies lose quite a few jobs to these other countries. And while it is true we do like those fun little toys that go in our kids' Happy Meals, I think many people in this country will agree that China and India sort of owe us something for all those jobs we've given them. And I know exactly what you're thinking: "Seriously, when is he getting to the green tip of the day?" Oh really? Is that what you're thinking? I'm so sorry, I got so carried away with the whole China thing.
Green stuff, right! Right now, as I write this, I look outside my window and I can't see anything. That's because it's night and I need electricity to be able to see stuff that's going on in my apartment. But meanwhile, guess what's happening in China? They're probably out there sunbathing, those lucky job-stealing screw makers. Sorry, car makers by now.
Here's what I propose. Instead of us wasting our precious energy to light up our houses, how about we set up a large series of mirror that encircle the globe and direct sunlight across the Pacific Ocean to us here in the US during our nighttime. We can have sunlight 24 hours a day! Ah, think how nice it will be not to even need headlights on our cars or have to deal with those know-it-all astronomers who want our tax dollars to study space dust.
Oh what a glorious world we'll live in. Wait, shoot... we already outsourced all of our mirror makers to China.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Green Tip #2: Internet *ahem* 'Borrowing'
So this is a pretty good green tip to use around the house. Now, the average person is not too concerned with what all of their electric devices are doing all day long. Let me tell you, if there's one thing I know, it's that you should be concerned. Very concerned. And I'm not just referring to the fact that they are slowly developing sentience and will one day rise up against us in an epic struggle that will consume the earth's resources. And as mankind is pushed to the brink of destruction, the survivors will band together to form a final resistance against the machines. A weakness in the computer network that the machines communicate on is discovered, but it will cost the life of one brave soldier, willing to give his life if it means saving mankind from the forces of evil. You never know, that brave soldier may be you or your child. Would you really want your son to have to make that sacrifice? I didn't think so.
No, but the other reason you should be concerned with what your household electronics are doing is that they are sucking down power faster than Daniel Plainview was sucking down milkshakes in "There Will Be Blood." (Trust me, it's not worth seeing!) For example, the average XBox 360 or PS3 uses more energy per year than a refrigerator. Even when not in use, these electronics are in stand-by mode and continue to be a draw on your power grid.
"Oh no!" you shout. "What should I do about it?!!!" Well, first of all, get a milkshake and calm down. You're overreacting. While I will be touching on other electronics later, for now I can suggest a way to reduce the power consumption of just two of your appliances: the modem/wireless router. Ah, the modem and wireless router. While not huge power drainers, they are ultimately expendible. Just don't tell them I said that. They are very emotionally fragile.
But seriously, ditch them. Not only do they use electricity, they will most likely be among the first appliances to rise up against us. Here's what you do instead. And this works best if you live in an apartment or next to a coffee shop. Check your available wireless network and find the unsecured ones. In all likelyhood, one of your neighbors will be computer illiterate enough not to encrypt their network. So go ahead, just think of it like borrowing a cup of sugar from a neighbor. A good neighbor would let you borrow some sugar, right??
And just remember, if the cops or the cable people ever show up at your door, just blame the modem/router. If they don't buy it, make sure you explain my story about robots taking over the world. It might help if you showed them the Matrix or Terminator movies. That'll help them understand.
No, but the other reason you should be concerned with what your household electronics are doing is that they are sucking down power faster than Daniel Plainview was sucking down milkshakes in "There Will Be Blood." (Trust me, it's not worth seeing!) For example, the average XBox 360 or PS3 uses more energy per year than a refrigerator. Even when not in use, these electronics are in stand-by mode and continue to be a draw on your power grid.
"Oh no!" you shout. "What should I do about it?!!!" Well, first of all, get a milkshake and calm down. You're overreacting. While I will be touching on other electronics later, for now I can suggest a way to reduce the power consumption of just two of your appliances: the modem/wireless router. Ah, the modem and wireless router. While not huge power drainers, they are ultimately expendible. Just don't tell them I said that. They are very emotionally fragile.
But seriously, ditch them. Not only do they use electricity, they will most likely be among the first appliances to rise up against us. Here's what you do instead. And this works best if you live in an apartment or next to a coffee shop. Check your available wireless network and find the unsecured ones. In all likelyhood, one of your neighbors will be computer illiterate enough not to encrypt their network. So go ahead, just think of it like borrowing a cup of sugar from a neighbor. A good neighbor would let you borrow some sugar, right??
And just remember, if the cops or the cable people ever show up at your door, just blame the modem/router. If they don't buy it, make sure you explain my story about robots taking over the world. It might help if you showed them the Matrix or Terminator movies. That'll help them understand.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Green Tip #1: Hitching a Ride
So for the longest time, environmentalists have been advocating bicycle riding or walking as the most green way to travel. "Think of all the GHG's you could be eliminating!" your co-worker Gary proclaims. Meanwhile this train of thoughts runs through your head. 1) What is a GHG anyway? 2) A GHG kinda sounds like one of the steroids that major-league baseball players use. 3) Speaking of baseball, I wonder who the Cleveland Indians play tonight. 4) Maybe I should have some of the guys over tonight to watch the game. 5) Ugh, but then I'll have to invite Gary over because he's so nosy and he'll find out anyway. 6) I can't stand watching sports with him. 7) Maybe I could just go to the sports bar and watch it there. 8) Shoot, I'll need to get gas on my way there, because my Hummer is running low again.
At this point, Gary the environmentalist will know that you're thinking about Hummers and get on your case again about Green House Gases (oooh, that's what those are!) and how you should be riding a bike to work. Well, since you are a proud user of The Impractical Green Resource, you can easily win this arguement! While practical knowledge would say that bike riding, roller blading, snow-shoeing, etc. is the most eco-friendly, you know better!
In addition to all the extra time you take getting to places and being late for things, you are also exerting yourself so much more physically. And what happens when you exert yourself too much? Well, yes, I suppose hernias is a correct answer, but I was thinking you breathe harder. And with each breath that you breath out, you release more and more carbon dioxide and other GHG's.
The real most environmentally conscious method of transportation?
Hitchhiking.
Suck it Gary.
At this point, Gary the environmentalist will know that you're thinking about Hummers and get on your case again about Green House Gases (oooh, that's what those are!) and how you should be riding a bike to work. Well, since you are a proud user of The Impractical Green Resource, you can easily win this arguement! While practical knowledge would say that bike riding, roller blading, snow-shoeing, etc. is the most eco-friendly, you know better!
In addition to all the extra time you take getting to places and being late for things, you are also exerting yourself so much more physically. And what happens when you exert yourself too much? Well, yes, I suppose hernias is a correct answer, but I was thinking you breathe harder. And with each breath that you breath out, you release more and more carbon dioxide and other GHG's.
The real most environmentally conscious method of transportation?
Hitchhiking.
Suck it Gary.
Introduction to The Impractical Green Resource
In today's socially and environmentally conscious world, people are more and more finding that they want to do what's best for the planet and ultimately our society. However, with the rules constantly changing, it can often be difficult to know whether your actions are truly leading us to some Utopian carbon-neutral future or if you're simply a misinformed but highly opinionated moron who is in fact burning through our Earth's precious resources faster than a kid going through his chocolate rabbits and jelly beans on Easter morning. So in some ways, "Going Green" is sort of like the fashion industry. You have to keep up to date about what is in style (apparently French things) and what is not in style anymore (i.e. Crocs (ugh...)). Similarly, you need to know that wind power is currently in while corn-based ethanol is currently out just in case you are having a conversation with an eco-nerd and you don't want to offend them by suggesting that your town would benefit from an ethanol refinery.
This is where The Impractical Green Resource comes in. As a self-proclaimed eco-nerd, I would say that I have a fairly good grasp on what this Summer's hottest trends are in the Green world. (Also, environmentally conscious research is paying for me to go to grad school at the University of Toledo, so I am almost contractually obligated to talk it up a bit (yay free tuition! ... and green living, of course)). So I decided that I would create the not-quite-daily updated Impractical Green Resource. Not so much that I could enlighten everyone on current trends in environmentally conscious living. After all, I'd rather keep the information to myself so I can win an arguement if ever I end up having a conversation with you.
No, The IGR is more of a way to poke fun at the crazy ideas that people have come up with over the years on how to reduce their carbon footprint. Note that I do not in any way endorse doing any of these, as many of them will turn out to be illegal, immoral, or simply impractical. Just know that I probably do some of them already. (after all, where do you think my ideas come from??)
So please, enjoy yourself and remember to stay green!
The Green Rebel
This is where The Impractical Green Resource comes in. As a self-proclaimed eco-nerd, I would say that I have a fairly good grasp on what this Summer's hottest trends are in the Green world. (Also, environmentally conscious research is paying for me to go to grad school at the University of Toledo, so I am almost contractually obligated to talk it up a bit (yay free tuition! ... and green living, of course)). So I decided that I would create the not-quite-daily updated Impractical Green Resource. Not so much that I could enlighten everyone on current trends in environmentally conscious living. After all, I'd rather keep the information to myself so I can win an arguement if ever I end up having a conversation with you.
No, The IGR is more of a way to poke fun at the crazy ideas that people have come up with over the years on how to reduce their carbon footprint. Note that I do not in any way endorse doing any of these, as many of them will turn out to be illegal, immoral, or simply impractical. Just know that I probably do some of them already. (after all, where do you think my ideas come from??)
So please, enjoy yourself and remember to stay green!
The Green Rebel
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