Green Tip #82: Give Darwin a Hand

Bleeechh!!! That is not something you want to see right after eating breakfast. I mean, just look at it! It's hideous! And it's the subject of the 82nd Green Tip.

Let me back up a bit and explain. But first, a disclaimer. I have nothing but the utmost respect for those who are here in this country that have Asian ancestry. The contributions that you have made to science and medicine and art and the Houston Rockets and mathematics are truly commendable. I mean no disrespect when I write the rest of this entry.

But if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that the one time that it's okay to be racist is with fish. That hideous monstrosity that you see near the top of your screen is none other than the asian carp. And those of you following the news know that the asian carp is one of the biggest threats facing the Great Lakes area (other than staggering economies and high unemployment rates).

While most people that look at the picture would assume that they are looking at a screen shot from some horrible 1950's B-movie, do not be deceived. This is no special effects or make up. This is an actual fish! A fish that swam up the Mississippi River and is threatening to come into the Great Lakes.

You know what, New Orleans?? I've about had enough. I know you're still recovering from hurricanes, but first you let gambling and casinos swim upstream and invade Ohio last November and now asian carp?? Come on!

Anyway, the reason these Chernobyl rejects are so bad for the environment is that they gobble up all the food in an ecosystem, thus killing off all the other fish that are useful for the Great Lakes fishing industry (and not ugly). There has been a lot of debate about what kind of lengths need to be used to get rid of these truculent troglodytes.

Well, the point of this Green Tip isn't to debate different methods of keeping them out of our lakes. The point is to tell you that sometimes Darwin needs a helping hand. Clearly evolution was taking a vacation when they decided to let this misshapen miscreation slip through the cracks. I mean, what's up with its eyes??? Did they sit out in the sun too long and are starting to melt?

All environmental issues aside, this hideous hellion needs to be stopped because of its looks. So let's do what Americans do best: exile the foreigners that don't look like the rest of us.