Green Tip #4: Change Your Eating Habits

I've gotten a few questions so far about whether I get my ideas for the IGR from other sources or if I make them up. The answer is that, so far, I've been making them up, using my experiences with green consulting to know what is particularly ridiculous and funny to tell you about. But once in a great while I will run across something that is so crazy, so unimaginable and so... politically incorrect that I just have to share it with all of you.

According to an article on CNN, one of the causes of global warming is, and I'm not making this up:

Being Fat

Yes, it's true, fat people have now become even more of a blight on our society than ever before (CNN's words, not mine). Not only do they have to suffer through the embaressment of having to buy two plane tickets because their colossal carcasses can't squeeze into the tiny airplane seats, they also have to ride the entire flight knowing that all the binge eating they did as a teenager to cope with the emotional pain of being molested by Uncle Hector is weighing down the plane and burning through precious fuels. Yeah, that's great for self-esteem.

Let me delve further into this article. Who in their right minds at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine authorized spending TIME and MONEY on a study that the results could have been assumed?? I don't need a study to show that it takes more fuel to move a heavier object (or person). That's because I HAVE A BRAIN and understand simple concepts. And I bet that they wrote the study on their computers in between posting on the World of Warcraft message boards and flaming noobs that think that the new Star Trek movie looks "AWESOME" even though it's not like the old series. What I'm trying to say is that those hack-job Brit "scientists" probably worked on the study on their computers. And used ENERGY to do it. Way to go, guys, burn through MORE fossil fuels, please. I really appreciate it.

You know, I'm going to go back on my Green Tip #4. Here's the real Green Tip #4: Don't Waste Our Earth's Resources Writing Obvious and Worthless Studies That Only Serve To Destroy The Self Esteem Of An Already Emotionally Fragile Portion Of Our Society.

Now if you don't mind I'm going to go cope with my rage by eating a quart of Ben and Jerry's.