5 Green News Stories of 2010

Happy New Year!!! I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable New Years Eve. Let me say, I totally called it about this year being better than last year. I know we're only 3/4 of a day through the year, but I have a good feeling about it already. So good in fact that I think I'll do another special post, this time predicting five big Green news stories of 2010. Now there's obviously no way I can know what's going to happen, so I'll do what The Onion and Fox News do and make it up. Without further ado, here's (not the top) 5 Green News Stories of 2010.

1) Lunar Panels Invented
After a small start up company, First Lunar, patented the world's first lunar panel, the alternative energy industry was turned on its end. Not so much that these new ultra-inefficient panels have solved our energy crises, but this proposed new invention was just crazy enough to give all of the mad scientist-style inventors out there enough reason to go forward with their ideas. Following the advent of the lunar panels, the world saw such insane ideas as earwax powered cars, airplanes propelled with giant rubber bands and replacing all street lamps with large rows of glow-in-the-dark stars. This unfortunately led to a general loss of respect for the alternative energy industry which may take years to repair.

2) Pitcairn Islands Become Carbon Neutral
In a move that nobody saw coming (because nobody was watching), the Pitcairn Islands became the first nation to declare their independence completely from fossil fuels. After the announcement was made, the international green community simply shrugged their shoulders. "So?" was the general response. "You've only got 50 people living there. That's not really an accomplishment." This uninspiring feat was accomplished when mayor Mike Warren was walking to work one day and noticed a rusty old bike with a missing tire sitting on the side of the road. This prompted him to hire a local man to ride the bike, which was attached to a generator for 0.496 New Zealand dollars per day. Not to be outdone, the small island nation of Tokelau announced plans to be carbon neutral by 2020.

3) First Green Party Representative Elected to Congress
On November 3rd, 2010, Green Party member Harold Stanley woke up to a very surprising phone call when he found out he had been elected as a representative of Florida in the US Congress. Said Stanley, "I submitted my paperwork a few months ago to run for Representative on a dare, but I just assumed they never got it because they never got back to me. I sort of forgot about it until one of my buddies called me the next morning saying that I won the election!" Experts are baffled on how this happened, as Stanley never once campaigned. Some are saying this was the result of the hanging chads that plagued the 2000 presidential election that were brought back following the worldwide spike in energy prices. Following the infamous event in which the Large Hadron Collider became self-aware and began destroying all European nuclear reactors, most states scrapped plans to use electronic voting machines in favor of paper ballots due to high energy costs. When asked about his stunning win, Stanley simply said that he should probably tell his boss at Wal-Mart that he was going to need more days off.

4) Lake Erie Dries Up
Following the widespread drought during the summer of 2010, the levels of Lake Erie dropped so precipitously that many scientists are beginning to reclassify it as the Erie River. Upon investigation, it appears that southern states such as Georgia, Alabama and Florida were so inspired by the 2007 film There Will Be Blood that they began building pipelines that ran up to Lake Erie, thus draining the shallow Great Lake over the course of the summer. Said Representative Stanley (G-FL), "I'm not sure how this happened. I guess we drank their milkshake. On the bright side, nobody can call Cleveland 'The Mistake on the Lake' anymore as the lake is now 20 miles away from the city." Toledo mayor Mike Bell has already announced plans to annex the land bridge that extends to Put-in-Bay.

5) Eighth Harry Potter Book Revealed
Following the success of her seven part Harry Potter book series, J.K. Rowling has announced that she will be writing an eighth entry in her ongoing saga. While few details have been released, we do know that following the Dark Wizard Voldemort's defeat (retroactive SPOILER ALERT), Harry and his friends have realized that Global Warming is a much greater foe than any other evil wizards. There is speculation that rival student Draco Malfoy will be issuing an environmental challenge to see which of the four houses at Hogwarts can cut their carbon footprints the most... WITHOUT USING MAGIC!!! Can Harry live up to his reputation as the boy wonder? Find out in Fall of 2011 in Harry Potter and the Energy-Efficient Sword of Light.

Please help us all if any of these come true....