Green Tip #109: Don't Fall for Global Warming's Lies

Phew! It's been so long since I last posted because I've been buried under mountains of snow. But now that I've dug myself out, I can finally share a warning that I've been desperately trying to get to the world.

DON'T BELIEVE THE TRICK GLOBAL WARMING IS PLAYING!!

So by now, most scientists agree that some temperatures will drop in parts of the world as the first phase of Global Warming. They also agree that this is just to get everyone to invest in really thick coats and super comfortable blankets (Snuggies = first sign of the coming Apocalypse). Then, once everyone is bundled up from head to toe, Global Warming will kick in at full force and everyone will suffer heat strokes and die.

Now, you guys (in a gender neutral sense) have been doing really well keeping up the fight against Global Warming by investing in alternative energy and supporting new technologies as evidenced by the success of the Volt and the Leaf and other plug-in hybrids. But this recent Snow-pocalypspe should not make you drop your guard. I know it's cold, but you need to turn your heat off (which shouldn't be hard for those of you with no power, thanks for taking one for the team!) and continue to take a stand against Global Warming!

Green Tip #65: Mario is a Traitor

Hooray! The reason I'm celebrating is that today marks the first part of a four part series (over the course of two weeks) that I'll be doing about video games! Yes, video games and all the horrible messages they send to our children. I'm sure you've all heard about the news stories. Things like how you can kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto. They've been reporting on the wrong games, in my opinion. For I know of games that have even worse messages than Grand Theft Auto. One such video game series is the focus of Green Tip #65.

Super Mario Bros.

Ah yes, that seemingly friendly and innocuous plumber that has been showing up in our kids' living rooms for almost 30 years. And while he has been praised for being a good clean alternative to the hyper-realistic and over-violent shooting games that have been popular in recent years, this mustached man hides a sinister message.

If one is knowledgeable of history, one might remember where Mario got his start. Back in 1981, a young man known only as 'Jumpman' stood up to the over-industrialization of the world and the big oil companies in an arcade game known as Donkey Kong. For those of you that haven't played the game, it is a tale as old as time. Donkey Kong, a large ape, kidnaps Jumpman's girlfriend and Jumpman has to scale up a scaffolding dodging barrels and fireballs to save the fair maiden.

I'm sure anyone that's played the game has immediately noticed that this game is a metaphor for the oil crisis of 1979. Donkey Kong, who throws barrels of oil, is a metaphor for oil producing countries like Iran and the USSR who kidnapped Jumpman's girlfriend, who represents the clean air and water we had before the US became addicted to oil. Jumpman would therefore represent Green technologies like solar power, wind power, and the fuel efficient cars from Japan that were just catching on in the US. (Toyota's from Japan and so is Nintendo. It's so obvious!)

Ah yes, the environment finally had a champion to rally behind. But who was this mysterious Jumpman that stood up to rising oil prices? Everyone wanted more from this red, blue, and Green hero. But the world was about to realize a sad, sad truth. Sometimes fame goes to peoples' heads...

Mario made his return in 1985 with the smash hit Super Mario Bros. for the original Nintendo Entertainment System. But this latest adventure was nothing at all what everyone expected. Gone was the noble hero that had risen from blue-collar worker status to take down the forces of environmental ruin. No, dear readers, in his place was a crazed man who let fame and corporate sponsorship corrupt his very moral fibers. Instead of killing the ape of Global Warming with the Hammer of Energy Efficiency (a forerunner of the Energy Efficient Sword of Light), Mario rampaged through the land, destroying local fungus and reptile species to the point that they almost went extinct. Mario, having no regard for sustainable practices, tore apart flowers and spewed fireballs, not caring that his fire was contributing to Global Warming. Even his brother Luigi was a farce. With his green clothes an obvious mockery of the Green movement, he ravaged the land, draining away the natural gold deposits and killing countless schools of fish and squids.

I'm sorry to say that Mario is one hero that has gone to the dark side. Once a shining beacon of hope in the War Against Global Warming, this hero continues to strip the earth of its precious resources. From poisoning the water with his blatant over-medicating in Dr. Mario, to the enslaving and domesticating of endangered dinosaur species in Super Mario World, Mario leaves a path of environmental destruction where ever he goes. The fossil fuels he once rejected now power his and his friends' go Karts. He rejects the idea of conserving Paper, even going to far as to create entire worlds made out of it. And while the world continues to collapse around him, all he can do is to get a massive sugar high and have Parties and Brawl in his reckless underground fight clubs.

Children. Do not fall for the devious tricks of this liar. This Charlatan of Environmental Justice. Remember once what this great man stood for and never give up the fight again Global Warming. Even if our greatest heroes have...

Green Tip #61: Celebrity Endorsements

So I was thinking about Global Warming and the fight against it. At first I thought that we must be winning the War on Pollution because of how cold it is and how much it's snowing here, but then I realized that it's actually just winter coming around again this year. Darn, I had so much hope that we had won.

Well anyway, I started thinking about what we needed to do to win the Fight Against Global Extreme Temperatures and I started thinking about what people have done to win the fight against other things. And just about then I remembered a commercial for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals that featured a whole bunch of videos of pets and animals that have been victims of abuse of some sort. And there's some really sad song playing and some white words are fading in and out on black text. Anyway, this commercial and other commercials like it have something that I think Global Warming needs.

A celebrity.

Yes, in this commercial, Canadian singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan makes an appearance and she talks about how much animals mean to her in order to raise support for her cause. Then I started thinking about how some celebrities are known for their causes, such as Michael J. Fox and Parkinson's, Bono and poverty, Jimmy Carter and Habitat for Humanity. And while there are a lot of celebrities that support better care for the environment, there is no ONE celebrity that is really really known for it. Or maybe there is, but if I don't know about it, then they're not doing a good enough job.

So Green Tip #61 goes out to everyone that interact with celebrities in any way. So... if you could just speed things along just for a little bit. We just need one Global Warming related disaster that can make a celebrity start fighting for the cause. I want you to imagine flipping on the tv and seeing this commercial:

Opens on a fade in of the ruins of a house. The Climb by Miley Cyrus is playing.

(In white text on black background): What if our actions have consequences?

Fade in a shot of something flooding.

(In white text on black background): Would we live differently?

Miley Cyrus is shown walking through the ruins of her home.

Miley: "Hi. I'm Miley Cyrus and I am a victim of Global Warming. I never thought about what impact we're having on our environment until my home was destroyed by Climate Change. But now I realize that it's not too late to act. For less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can join in the fight against Global Warming. Call now and make a difference for our future. And our children's future."

A few poverty-stricken racially diverse kids appear out of nowhere and hug Miley, but in a really sad but kind of hopeful way.

Fade to black.

Call me, Miley... If you start endorsing the Fight Against Global Warming now, this doesn't have to happen. Your home could still be spared.

Hm. I think I just threatened Miley Cyrus...

5 Green News Stories of 2010

Happy New Year!!! I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable New Years Eve. Let me say, I totally called it about this year being better than last year. I know we're only 3/4 of a day through the year, but I have a good feeling about it already. So good in fact that I think I'll do another special post, this time predicting five big Green news stories of 2010. Now there's obviously no way I can know what's going to happen, so I'll do what The Onion and Fox News do and make it up. Without further ado, here's (not the top) 5 Green News Stories of 2010.

1) Lunar Panels Invented
After a small start up company, First Lunar, patented the world's first lunar panel, the alternative energy industry was turned on its end. Not so much that these new ultra-inefficient panels have solved our energy crises, but this proposed new invention was just crazy enough to give all of the mad scientist-style inventors out there enough reason to go forward with their ideas. Following the advent of the lunar panels, the world saw such insane ideas as earwax powered cars, airplanes propelled with giant rubber bands and replacing all street lamps with large rows of glow-in-the-dark stars. This unfortunately led to a general loss of respect for the alternative energy industry which may take years to repair.

2) Pitcairn Islands Become Carbon Neutral
In a move that nobody saw coming (because nobody was watching), the Pitcairn Islands became the first nation to declare their independence completely from fossil fuels. After the announcement was made, the international green community simply shrugged their shoulders. "So?" was the general response. "You've only got 50 people living there. That's not really an accomplishment." This uninspiring feat was accomplished when mayor Mike Warren was walking to work one day and noticed a rusty old bike with a missing tire sitting on the side of the road. This prompted him to hire a local man to ride the bike, which was attached to a generator for 0.496 New Zealand dollars per day. Not to be outdone, the small island nation of Tokelau announced plans to be carbon neutral by 2020.

3) First Green Party Representative Elected to Congress
On November 3rd, 2010, Green Party member Harold Stanley woke up to a very surprising phone call when he found out he had been elected as a representative of Florida in the US Congress. Said Stanley, "I submitted my paperwork a few months ago to run for Representative on a dare, but I just assumed they never got it because they never got back to me. I sort of forgot about it until one of my buddies called me the next morning saying that I won the election!" Experts are baffled on how this happened, as Stanley never once campaigned. Some are saying this was the result of the hanging chads that plagued the 2000 presidential election that were brought back following the worldwide spike in energy prices. Following the infamous event in which the Large Hadron Collider became self-aware and began destroying all European nuclear reactors, most states scrapped plans to use electronic voting machines in favor of paper ballots due to high energy costs. When asked about his stunning win, Stanley simply said that he should probably tell his boss at Wal-Mart that he was going to need more days off.

4) Lake Erie Dries Up
Following the widespread drought during the summer of 2010, the levels of Lake Erie dropped so precipitously that many scientists are beginning to reclassify it as the Erie River. Upon investigation, it appears that southern states such as Georgia, Alabama and Florida were so inspired by the 2007 film There Will Be Blood that they began building pipelines that ran up to Lake Erie, thus draining the shallow Great Lake over the course of the summer. Said Representative Stanley (G-FL), "I'm not sure how this happened. I guess we drank their milkshake. On the bright side, nobody can call Cleveland 'The Mistake on the Lake' anymore as the lake is now 20 miles away from the city." Toledo mayor Mike Bell has already announced plans to annex the land bridge that extends to Put-in-Bay.

5) Eighth Harry Potter Book Revealed
Following the success of her seven part Harry Potter book series, J.K. Rowling has announced that she will be writing an eighth entry in her ongoing saga. While few details have been released, we do know that following the Dark Wizard Voldemort's defeat (retroactive SPOILER ALERT), Harry and his friends have realized that Global Warming is a much greater foe than any other evil wizards. There is speculation that rival student Draco Malfoy will be issuing an environmental challenge to see which of the four houses at Hogwarts can cut their carbon footprints the most... WITHOUT USING MAGIC!!! Can Harry live up to his reputation as the boy wonder? Find out in Fall of 2011 in Harry Potter and the Energy-Efficient Sword of Light.

Please help us all if any of these come true....

Green Tip #53: Global Warming is Good, Part 2

I think it is especially poignant that I talk more about Global Warming this week for two reasons. First of all, yesterday was the first day that it snowed here in Northwest Ohio which is a good sign. I can only assume that we’ve won the War on Global Warming, otherwise I’d be out sunbathing instead of bundled up in my sweatshirt and blankets.

The other reason that I feel it’s appropriate to write about Global Warming today is that world leaders are meeting in Europe this week to talk about what countries can do to combat Climate Change. This is a bad sign, which means that we probably haven’t won the War on Global Warming. Dang! I thought the snow was a good sign. Hm, maybe Global Warming is just hibernating this winter so it can make a fierce comeback this spring. We’ll just assume that Global Warming is still out there otherwise I wouldn’t have anything to write in the Impractical Green Resource.

Anyway, I don’t see why the world leaders need to meet to figure things out. I mean, I’ve given the world 52+ very helpful Green Tips that should’ve fixed things by now. I can only assume that people in other countries can’t read English and the IGR is doing them little good. Hm, I knew I should’ve learned Chinese.

But if Global Warming is inevitable, we might as well at least look for a silver lining of the whole situation. So I was reading about how the ice sheets in Greenland and Antarctica are melting more and more each summer. At first I was horrified about rising sea levels and disrupting the oceanic currents. Then I read about how droughts were likely to increase in severity and frequency as the global temperature rises. That’s when I had my epiphany!

If all that fresh water is dumped into the oceans, the overall salinity of the ocean water will decrease (the oceans won’t be so salty). And less salty water is easier to convert to fresh water than more salty water. Ta Da! We can just convert sea water into drinkable water to solve the droughts!

Yes, it’s true, changing the oceans from salt water to fresh water will probably kill off thousands of species of fish and coral and plankton, but you know what? People won’t miss them that much. All of the fish that we eat now can be put into fisheries and the rest are probably weird and gross anyway.

Green Tip #46: Global Warming is Good

Let's talk about viruses. Ah yes, the unassuming little things that have killed more people than all the serial killers in the world combined. With all of the talk about H1N1 and HIV and SARS and Keanu Reeves' acting career, I figure I should address how these very simple organisms are able to infect perfectly good hosts (or movies) and reek havoc causing mayhem and destruction.

So a virus is basically a little sac of DNA that latches onto a perfectly healthy cell and injects this DNA into the host. The host cell then dies and new viruses rupture out of the cell's corpse like the monster from 'Alien' popped out of the guy's chest. Then the new viruses go on to infect other cells. This cycle repeats itself until the host organism's defenses are able to fight back. (No, lining up colored pills on the viruses is not one of the body's defenses. 10 points to anyone who gets that reference.) One of the ways that the host fights back is by raising its body temperature, thus giving it a fever. This increased body temperature makes a hostile environment for the viruses and helps to speed up the virus's demise. Usually the body is able to fight off the virus, other times the host doesn't survive and the virus is trapped in the dead host and eventually is starved for living cells and dies out itself. Ha, stupid virus, it loses either way!

But wait... If you think back to the movie 'The Matrix,' (I've mentioned it before in Green Tip #2 when referring to how robots will take over the world) you'll remember how Agent Smith compares humans to a virus. We've essentially broken past the limits that nature naturally (isn't everything in nature natural?) sets for species that makes populations decline when resources are scarce. We kept expanding beyond our resources and now have no natural predators.

Go us, right? No, not quite... If you think of planet earth as an organism, it would be safe to say that Global Warming is her getting a fever trying to kill us off. Yup, the human race is now officially those drunk people that don't realize they're being completely inappropriate at weddings and won't take a hint that they should leave. We're unwanted...

But it doesn't have to end this way. What if we were to mutate (so to speak) into a harmless strain? Even better yet, what if we took a cue from the adeno-associated virus type 2? This virus infects humans and other primates and causes no known disease. Better yet, some studies have shown that this virus can actually help to fight some forms of cancer.

So Green Tip #46 is this: let's use Global Warming as a challenge for us to be better viruses. Think about what actions to you take and whether you're acting like HIV or more like AAV2. Let's hope for all of our sakes that you choose AAV2.