Green Tip #105: Don't Live By Example

Ladies and gentlemen, those of you that know me personally will know that I lived in California for almost a week several months ago and have made plans to travel back there in December. While I have tried to keep this dark secret out of the public, I cannot bear the shame of violating Green Tip #17 any longer. I have prepared an apology.

"First, please let me apologize to my family, friends, co-workers and fellow bloggers for the cloud placed over satirical Green blogs. I did nothing wrong while on the West Coast. I regret my decision to plead guilty and the sadness that decision has brought to my girlfriend, family, friends, and fellow bloggers. For that I apologize.

In September, I overreacted and made a poor decision. While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Burbank airport or anywhere else, I chose to only use public transportation that week in the hope of making it [California's pollution] go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, self-proclaimed California liberal eco-hippie, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it. Because of that, I have now come forth and I am asking my readers to review this matter and to advise me on how to proceed.

For a moment, I want to put my state of mind into context on September 12th. For eight months leading up to September, my blog and I had been relentlessly and viciously harassed by my poor motivation and an ill-conceived Tournament. If you've seen today's paper, you know why. Let me be clear: I do not hate the environment and never have. Also, I am not gay and never have been.

Still, without a shred of truth or evidence to the contrary, the memory of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch has engaged in this witch hunt. In pleading guilty to not recycling that week, I overreacted in California, because of the stress of the polluted air and the rumors it has fueled around the blogosphere (ugh, I hate that word). Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment. Furthermore, I should not have kept this travel to myself, and should have told my family and friends about it. I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have done so anyway.

I love my fiance, family, friends, readers and the environment. I love serving the Internet in this blog. Over the years, I have accomplished a lot for the environment, and I hope my readers will allow me to continue to do that. There are still goals I would like to accomplish, and I believe I can still be an effective leader for eco-hippies everywhere. Next month, I will announce, as planned, whether or not I will recycle when I am in California.

As an elected [by Blogger.com and myself] blogger, I fully realize that my life is open for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for the mistake in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself.

It is clear, though, that through my actions I have brought a cloud [of smog] over California. For that, I ask the readers of this blog for their forgiveness.

As I mentioned earlier, I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment."

Okay, one further comment. The framework for the apology was provided by a former Senator from Idaho named Larry Craig. For a better appreciation of the paragraphs above, see this article here. Oh, and me stealing this speech is a good example of how to live out Green Tip #10.

Green Tip #17: Don't Live in California/Hawaii

For those of you that have been following the IGR for a while now will have noticed that it has taken on a more urgent tone in recent posts. The reason for this is that we're fighting a war here. A war against pollution and wasted energy. A war against GHG's and large carbon footprints. And I'm sorry to say that we're not winning.

I was so optimistic for the longest time. I really thought that the Green Tips that I have been giving were starting to make a difference. I had faith in all of you budding environmentalists out there.

But then I read a news story this morning that scared me senseless. The top story on Yahoo was about the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch." (Go search for it right now. I'll wait until you get back) This abomination of nature is a massive Brown beast that is sucking the life out of the Pacific Ocean. I may be mistaken, but I'm fairly certain that this is the lesser heard of Fifth Horsemen of the Apocalypse mentioned in Revelation. "And when he had opened the fifth seal, I heard the fifth beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a brown horse; and he that sat on him was called the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. And power was given to him over the oceans and he shall kill with tiny plastic pellets that shall float just below the surface. And he shall remain cloaked in invisibility from flying machines and satellites." And then it goes on for a while, you know the rest.

Interesting side note, the Christian fundamentalists that burn Harry Potter books do so because the Bible says that the Fifth Horsemen is cloaked in invisibility, similar to the cloak that Harry Potter has. But now the GPGP has been discovered, it's clear that the Bible is referring to that. You're off the hook, Harry!

Sorry, getting off topic. I do have a plan to stop the end of the world. And it shall take the form of the seventeenth Green Tip. And upon the hour that the seventeenth Green Tip shall be published on-line, there will be much rejoicing, for the people will know that the beast shall have been conquered. And this Green Tip is do not live in California or Hawaii. I know, I know, there are other states and countries (Japan, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, China, That Place On the Western Side of South America That I'd Know the Name of if My Public School Education Had Been Stronger) that lie on the Pacific Ocean that might be to blame. But I think it's pretty clear that, similar to Hurricane Katrina wiping out New Orleans for all their boozing and partying and rampant sexual escapades, God is punishing the materialistic lifestyle of people in California and Hawaii. I mean, just watch the OC and you'll understand.

So please, if you live in California or Hawaii and are a person living in sin, do us a favor and move out. Just do us a favor and don't bring your sins to good, God-fearing places in the country, like the Bible Belt and the Midwest. Las Vegas would be a good fit for you.