Not a Green Tip #3: Apologies

For those of you that were aghast to find that I was actually going to apologize for something, let me just reassure you that, like the politicians I dissed in the first match up of the Tournament, I'm going to turn it around at the end and make it something positive. You'll see; it'll be epic!

I'd actually like to make an apology that is twofold. And the second of those two folds is, complexly enough, also twofold. (You're my new best friend if you get what I'm referencing! Don't bother Googling it unless you want to learn how to fold shirts.) Without further ado, here it comes.

My first apology comes from a mistake I made just recently when I was discussing the awesomeness of Energy Star Ratings during its head-to-head (most worthless link ever. Just scroll down!) against Reducing and Reusing in the Tournament. I stated, and I paraphrase, "And upon the date of my spying some cotton-based article of adornment, I shalt feel the most unusual occurrence beginning to develop upon my countenance. For I will find myself gazing upon the emblem which had hitherto eluded my cunning and worldly experiences. It shalt be none other than the Energy Star logo, and as far as I can conjecture, no man nor personage of the fairer sex has yet seen this as of this present hour." Basically, I've never seen an Energy Star t-shirt.

Until now.

Okay, so that's a stretch. You could have a shirt made with any sorts of logos, including the Energy Star one, but the fact of the matter is that it could theoretically exist out there. But looking back at the scores, Energy Star would have to score a perfect 10 in awesomeness in order to simply tie Reducing and Reusing. And I don't know about you, but all the t-shirts in the world can't help out Energy Star that much in awesomeness.

So, moving on to my next (twofold) apology. A while back, when I was discussing Disney World, I insulted non-Disney World buses calling them, and I quote directly, "somewhat frightening sometimes with homeless people and drunkards." Now, I don't want to apologize to bus owners or bus passengers, don't misunderstand me. I still feel that inner city buses are terrifying. No, I want to apologize to drunkards and homeless people.

Drunkards and the homeless get way too much blame for all of society's ills. Sure, they sometimes smell like vomit and urine, but still I feel like I don't have any right to insult them like that. Mainly because they're probably following my advice.

You see, WAAAAAY back in the early days of the Impractical Green Resource, I wrote a quaint little Green Tip called Green Tip #13 that was aimed at people that were struggling with the Recession. I argued that people who were poor and out of work were better for the environment. I also went so far as to say that you need to lose your home before you can be truly Green. So next time I see a homeless person, I'll be sure to thank them for the sacrifices they've made for the environment. You should too!

Continuing on, I also need to apologize to drunkards, who are clearly just following the advice I gave in Green Tip #79. I posted that on March 19, 2010, so I was clearly aiming it at the people who believe that St. Patrick was such a good saint that his holiday should be celebrated for at least three days in a row. In other words, alcoholics! Yes, the drunkards you see on the bus are most likely there because they got drunk to avoid the temptation of driving their gas-guzzling SUVs. Great job, guys (in a gender-neutral way)!

So with all this talk about the buses, you're sure to see them in a whole new light, won't you? In fact, you're probably dying to know more about buses and their impact on the environment, right? Well great!!! Check out the IGR tomorrow for the match-up between Biking and Buses!

(Wasn't that epic? Turning an apology into a self promotion? Seriously, Marcy Kaptur, just hand over the keys to the US Congress seat because I'm already such a darn good politician.)

Not a Green Tip #1: "Going Brown"

Someone once said, “Change is the flower that blossoms from the seed of discontent.” While I can hardly say that there is any discontent when it comes to The Impractical Green Resource, I do agree that Change is very much like a flower; both in that it is not the same in winter and the summer and that if you try to pluck Change it will wither and die. (Don’t worry about trying to understand the metaphor. It isn’t a prerequisite for understanding the message of this post. Also, for those of you who are especially astute, you’ve by now found out that it was in fact I that said that quote at the beginning. So yes, at the time I was lying by saying that someone had said it. But by the time you read it, someone (me) did once say it. Or “say” it would be more appropriate. The words never came out of my lips. I mean, I’m just arguing semantics at this point. But yeah, this is getting almost absurdly philosophical.)

Sorry, digressing again. I should have that looked at. What I was getting at was that everyone once in a while, people just need a change in their lives. Or in the blogs that they read. What if the blogs that they read are their lives? I guess that’s kind of sad. So anyway I figured that all of you must be so tired out from trying to put all 14 Green Tips into effect in your lives. I’ll give you a week to catch your metaphorical environmentally friendly breaths. Instead I’ll just share a new term that I came up with.

Even though at the time I would hardly admit that I enjoyed the “Know Your Planet, Know Yourself” Green Retreat that Gary (my Eco-Nerd co-worker) dragged me on 5 years ago. But now that I am a professional Green Blogger (card carrying member!) I have to admit that I did pick up a useful concept from that sometime between the trust falls and the drum circle. And that concept was that everything in nature has a balance that must be preserved. Think the Yin and the Yang. Or the Sun and the Moon. Good and Evil. Peanut Butter and Jelly.

This got me thinking. First that I wanted a PB & J sandwich. Once that was taken care of, I then thought that there are just some terms that don’t exist yet in the English language that should. For example, you can say that a piece of fruit is ripe, but what do you call it if it is not yet ripe? “Unripe?” “Not yet ripe?” There really isn’t a good word for that. Webster, get working on that before the next edition of the dictionary comes out.

But also, there’s no word for something that is not Green. “Environmentally Unfriendly” just doesn’t cut it. So I propose that people start using the word “Brown” to describe something that isn’t Green. For example:

You: Hey man, is that a new Hummer?
Friend: Yeah, I just got it!
You: Oh, it’s really Brown.
Friend: No, it isn’t. It’s black.
You: No, no, I just meant that it’s not Green.
Friend: Of course it’s not green! It’s black! Can’t you see it??

At which point you and your friend would get into an Abbot and Costello “Who’s on First” routine. Hilarious, right?!

Anyway, you get the point. Use the term Brown. But use it carefully until it’s popular, so as not to offend certain minorities and UPS workers.