Green Tip #19: Cut Down On Shower Use

Hey everyone, sorry for the somewhat late posting of your Green Tip for today. Actually, if it weren't for a bookcase that I dropped on my ankle, I'd still be up moving furniture around instead of resting my ankle by sitting and typing this post.

So you're probably a little taken aback by the title of this Green Tip. I mean, "Cut Down On Shower Use"?? Really? That's so.... generic. You're probably thinking that I've finally run out of ideas. Well, not really. Let me explain.

This Green Tip is not about cutting down on water use like the title would imply. Well not directly anyway. No, I want you to think for a while about what the consequences of following this would imply. If you were to never take a shower, yes, you'd be saving countless gallons of water, but you'd also be making yourself really really smelly. And what do smelly people have a hard time doing? Finding boyfriends and girlfriends, of course. (Sorry, smelly people, but you have to know it's true.) And one thing that people who don't have boyfriends and girlfriends tend not to do is to have children.

Now, I know it's built into most of our DNA that we want to pass on our genetic material to our children, but for the sake of the planet, we should think about not having any kids. The population will shrink back to manageable levels where we won't be strained for resources and therefore we won't be worried about animal species going extinct and having to cut down rain forests to build Targets and such.

So please, if you can't keep your hormones in check (don't worry, you can't) I'd suggest taking the temptation out of the equation and stop taking showers.

Green Tip #18: Be a VERY Defensive Driver

Well, I don't know what to tell you. Things still aren't fixed. The Garbage Patch is still there. (So random, but saying "Garbage Patch" made me think of Cabbage Patch Kids. Garbage Patch Kids would be a horrible horrible toy. Never let me work for Mattel.) Not that I expected it to get fixed in a week, but as far as I know, it hasn't even started shrinking at all. But it's okay for now, I've actually got something more pressing. And I know, nothing is more pressing than the Apocalypse, but, well, this Pacific Garbage Patch isn't directly costing me money, while this new issue is.

Gas prices. I'm pretty sure that over the past few years, we've all wasted way too much time and breath complaining about them then things finally got better about a year ago. Well guess what? They're working their way back up again. Around here, gas prices jumped suddenly from $2.15ish to $2.45ish. Then just a few days ago, they jumped again to $2.65ish. I can see the writing on the wall. Pretty soon we'll have to all start complaining about gas prices again, and honestly, I'm all out of things to complain about. And I'm out of people to complain to.

So here's what other, more "professional" green blogs will tell you to do: "Lame Green Tip #1: Drive slower on the freeways. Dropping your speed from 70 to 65 will increase your fuel efficiency by some percentage." YAAAAAWN. We've heard it all before. "Fill your tires." "Change your oil regularly." Blah Blah Blah. If those methods actually did work, gas prices wouldn't be going back up. They'd still be going down. We need to take things to the next level.

It's common knowledge that half of the population of the world is stupider than the average person. (Think really hard about that. It makes sense.) And the average person has heard the lessons that I mentioned in the last paragraph about driving slow and all that. So, logic will tell you that half of the population of the world does not follow those simple and only mildly effective lessons. Here's where you, the now-very-well-educated readers of the IGR have to step things up. Those people who don't follow those rules are the ones that are causing gas prices to rise and ultimately they're costing you more money.

Here's what you do. Green Tip #18 is to find someone that is driving the optimal speed for gas mileage. It'll vary by car, but it should be around 55 mph. It shouldn't be difficult to find someone who's going that speed. (Hint - these people tend to forget their turn signals are still on, so look for that tell tale sign.) Then all you have to do is pull up in the lane next to them and match their speed. Everyone behind you who would normally be going 75, 80, 90 or more mph will be forced to match your fuel efficient rate of 55 mph and there you have it. Think of all the gas you'll be saving them!

There are a few points to note. First, this works best on two lane roads, but for more you just need to find friends who will be willing to give you a hand. Second, at first the people behind you will be, well, upset isn't a strong enough word. But if you have a bumper sticker that explains what you're doing, that should smooth some things over very well. Make sure you put the link to the IGR (impracticalgreen.blogspot.com) on the bumper sticker too! Publicity is never a bad thing!

But seriously, don't forget about that Garbage Patch, I don't think it's going anywhere soon.

Green Tip #17: Don't Live in California/Hawaii

For those of you that have been following the IGR for a while now will have noticed that it has taken on a more urgent tone in recent posts. The reason for this is that we're fighting a war here. A war against pollution and wasted energy. A war against GHG's and large carbon footprints. And I'm sorry to say that we're not winning.

I was so optimistic for the longest time. I really thought that the Green Tips that I have been giving were starting to make a difference. I had faith in all of you budding environmentalists out there.

But then I read a news story this morning that scared me senseless. The top story on Yahoo was about the "Great Pacific Garbage Patch." (Go search for it right now. I'll wait until you get back) This abomination of nature is a massive Brown beast that is sucking the life out of the Pacific Ocean. I may be mistaken, but I'm fairly certain that this is the lesser heard of Fifth Horsemen of the Apocalypse mentioned in Revelation. "And when he had opened the fifth seal, I heard the fifth beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a brown horse; and he that sat on him was called the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. And power was given to him over the oceans and he shall kill with tiny plastic pellets that shall float just below the surface. And he shall remain cloaked in invisibility from flying machines and satellites." And then it goes on for a while, you know the rest.

Interesting side note, the Christian fundamentalists that burn Harry Potter books do so because the Bible says that the Fifth Horsemen is cloaked in invisibility, similar to the cloak that Harry Potter has. But now the GPGP has been discovered, it's clear that the Bible is referring to that. You're off the hook, Harry!

Sorry, getting off topic. I do have a plan to stop the end of the world. And it shall take the form of the seventeenth Green Tip. And upon the hour that the seventeenth Green Tip shall be published on-line, there will be much rejoicing, for the people will know that the beast shall have been conquered. And this Green Tip is do not live in California or Hawaii. I know, I know, there are other states and countries (Japan, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, China, That Place On the Western Side of South America That I'd Know the Name of if My Public School Education Had Been Stronger) that lie on the Pacific Ocean that might be to blame. But I think it's pretty clear that, similar to Hurricane Katrina wiping out New Orleans for all their boozing and partying and rampant sexual escapades, God is punishing the materialistic lifestyle of people in California and Hawaii. I mean, just watch the OC and you'll understand.

So please, if you live in California or Hawaii and are a person living in sin, do us a favor and move out. Just do us a favor and don't bring your sins to good, God-fearing places in the country, like the Bible Belt and the Midwest. Las Vegas would be a good fit for you.

Green Tip #16: Direct Airline Travel

I'm currently running on borrowed Internet here (following my own advice!) so this will just be a Green Quick Tip. A lot of the time, you hear about people that want offset the carbon that they create when they fly by purchasing carbon credits. That's alright, I guess, but let me suggest one even better. If you were to fly from two major cities, let's say Detroit to New York, there isn't much of a problem going from airport to airport. But what if you want to fly from Detroit to Birdsall, New York (population 268), you would have to fly to the Buffalo airport (assuming you can fly from Detroit to Buffalo without layovers) and drive to Birdsall. And assuming that you are driving anything less fuel efficient than an electric car, your carbon footprint will be huge!

Instead, I propose that airlines provide direct to destination flights via parachuting to your destination. So instead of flying into Buffalo and driving, you could take the Detroit to New York City flight and just hop out when you need to get off.

Now if only there were a way for the plane to pick you up on the way back.... I guess I forgot to figure that part out...

Green Tip #15: Be Careful of Everything

Well everyone, I think that you've had just a little bit too much time off between Green Tips and I just won't have that anymore. I mean, a week in between Green Tips is enough time for you to rediscover your self esteem. And if there's one thing that I've learned it's that the major force that drove the Green Movement in the past few years is fear that what you're doing is directly destroying any hope that your children will live in a world where they can breathe clean air and drink pure water. And if you think about it, this Green Movement and the one that occurred toward the end of the 1970's in the US (around the time of President Carter) happened when people were living with a lot of fear. The Vietnam War was wrapping up back then and we have terrorists and Iraq today. So me scaring you is good for the environment, as it makes you realize just how horrible of a person you truly are deep down inside.

So, before I get down from my soap box, let me just say one last thing. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS RUINING THE ENVIRONMENT! EVERY TIME YOU GET IN YOUR CAR OR TURN ON A LIGHT, IT'S JUST LIKE YOU SLIPPED SOME DATE RAPE DRUGS INTO MOTHER NATURE'S DRINK AND ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER!

Sorry about that. I know it was a little harsh. But sometimes I just have to say things like that to get through to people. But seriously. No, like, seriously seriously. For the first time since I started this, here's a legit Green Tip: Don't fall for supposedly "Green" products and services. A lot of marketing dollars have been put into making sure that products look greener than they are. They know better than anyone that, whether it's a fad or not, we're in the middle of a Green Movement and people will spend their money to be more environmentally friendly. And a lot of times they will try to scare you with doomsday scenarios to sell their products. Don't fall for these things! Just as with all products you buy, you need to make sure that you know the details. Take a look at this article, which talks about some green scams in recent years.

Green Scams

Be vigilant. Every time a scam like this works, it hurts the legitimacy of all the products made by people and companies that truly want to do the right thing. I know you're smarter than that. Do your homework.

Alright, the blog post is done, now stop using your computer you selfish Brown* person! Every kilowatt of electricity that you use is like another punch to Mother Nature's kidneys!

*Brown as in not Green. Please don't mistake what I'm saying, NAACP! I respect very much the contributions that African-Americans have done for society!

Not a Green Tip #1: "Going Brown"

Someone once said, “Change is the flower that blossoms from the seed of discontent.” While I can hardly say that there is any discontent when it comes to The Impractical Green Resource, I do agree that Change is very much like a flower; both in that it is not the same in winter and the summer and that if you try to pluck Change it will wither and die. (Don’t worry about trying to understand the metaphor. It isn’t a prerequisite for understanding the message of this post. Also, for those of you who are especially astute, you’ve by now found out that it was in fact I that said that quote at the beginning. So yes, at the time I was lying by saying that someone had said it. But by the time you read it, someone (me) did once say it. Or “say” it would be more appropriate. The words never came out of my lips. I mean, I’m just arguing semantics at this point. But yeah, this is getting almost absurdly philosophical.)

Sorry, digressing again. I should have that looked at. What I was getting at was that everyone once in a while, people just need a change in their lives. Or in the blogs that they read. What if the blogs that they read are their lives? I guess that’s kind of sad. So anyway I figured that all of you must be so tired out from trying to put all 14 Green Tips into effect in your lives. I’ll give you a week to catch your metaphorical environmentally friendly breaths. Instead I’ll just share a new term that I came up with.

Even though at the time I would hardly admit that I enjoyed the “Know Your Planet, Know Yourself” Green Retreat that Gary (my Eco-Nerd co-worker) dragged me on 5 years ago. But now that I am a professional Green Blogger (card carrying member!) I have to admit that I did pick up a useful concept from that sometime between the trust falls and the drum circle. And that concept was that everything in nature has a balance that must be preserved. Think the Yin and the Yang. Or the Sun and the Moon. Good and Evil. Peanut Butter and Jelly.

This got me thinking. First that I wanted a PB & J sandwich. Once that was taken care of, I then thought that there are just some terms that don’t exist yet in the English language that should. For example, you can say that a piece of fruit is ripe, but what do you call it if it is not yet ripe? “Unripe?” “Not yet ripe?” There really isn’t a good word for that. Webster, get working on that before the next edition of the dictionary comes out.

But also, there’s no word for something that is not Green. “Environmentally Unfriendly” just doesn’t cut it. So I propose that people start using the word “Brown” to describe something that isn’t Green. For example:

You: Hey man, is that a new Hummer?
Friend: Yeah, I just got it!
You: Oh, it’s really Brown.
Friend: No, it isn’t. It’s black.
You: No, no, I just meant that it’s not Green.
Friend: Of course it’s not green! It’s black! Can’t you see it??

At which point you and your friend would get into an Abbot and Costello “Who’s on First” routine. Hilarious, right?!

Anyway, you get the point. Use the term Brown. But use it carefully until it’s popular, so as not to offend certain minorities and UPS workers.