Hey everyone! So sorry for the inexcusably long delay between posts. The new life the Witness Protection Program set up for me is out in Amish country, so you can imagine that access to the Internet is somewhat limited. I had to sneak out and ride my horse and buggy over 20 miles to the nearest Starbucks so I could use their free wireless. I'm currently rigging up a potato powered modem and router system that I can operate out of my farm, though, so the posts will be slightly more frequent from here on out. The good news now, though, is that my carbon footprint is next to nothing! I'm still working on getting my cows to burp and fart less methane though. That's a real killer when it comes to greenhouse gases.
(For those of you laughing right now, you think I'm kidding, right? Read this. Not so funny now, is it? Honestly, yeah, it's still kinda funny.)
Sorry, you probably didn't wait over two weeks just to hear me ramble on about my life. You came for the newest green tip! Call me topical, but the upcoming holiday (Independence Day in the US; Good Idea Guys! Day in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, India, South Africa, portions of the rest of Africa, parts of the Middle East and various other islands around the world; and I Think This Could Be The Start Of A Really Bad Trend For Our Overseas Colonies Day in the UK) got me thinking of ways to be more green on the 4th.
For example, sparklers. Fun right? I guess so, but all that light and heat is such a waste of stored chemical energy. Now I'm no tyrant and saying that you can't play with sparklers because they waste energy. I'm saying you should just play with them underneath a boiler attached to a steam-powered turbine. If enough of you have sparklers lit under the boiler the heat will turn the water into steam which will put some of that energy back into the power grid. Simple, right?
Also, I know many of you will be grilling during the holidays. And as much as I, as an environmentalist, hate coal and charcoal, I have to concede that a solar powered grill is just plain unpatriotic. This is one time of the year that I advocate firing up the barbecue. But I do have an issue with grilling. And the issue is with grilling poor, defenseless, innocent cows and pigs.
You should be grilling more of them. Think about it. Cows, pigs, horses, etc. breathe in oxygen and out carbon dioxide. Corn, peppers, carrots, soy-based tofu and other veggies you grill breathe in carbon dioxide and out oxygen. So if you harvest up all those green things and leave all the cows to wander around and burp and fart. So keep the green things out there to suck up all the CO2 and send the cows to the slaughterhouse. It's a delicious, delicious way to save the environment.
As a parting bit of wisdom, just remember that while Patriotism doesn't fuel our cars, Misguided Patriotism does get us to invade countries that have oil. And that fuels cars.
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